On and On It Goes
by Thrintje
Summary: *COMPLETE!!!* On and on it goes, when it stops, nobody knows. With a touch, or a kiss, or a sigh, or a dream? Time crushes us all with circles. With a punch and a cry and a tear and a scream...H/D SLASH!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.

**WARNING:** This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 1**

_On and on it goes, when it stops, nobody knows. With a touch, or a kiss, or a sigh, or a dream? Time crushes us all with circles. With a punch, and a cry, and a tear, and a scream…_

The smell of summer was in the air, chasing away the demons of winter. Warm days and stormy nights that released the tension of the humidity, were becoming more and more regular. People smiled; relaxed, there was an outbreak of disgustingly happy new couples, strolling along hand in hand, oblivious to everything going on around them. Early summer always brings them out, it's inevitable really.

It was the first warm week of the year and the students were out in force. Water fights broke out, ending in gales of almost hysterical laughter. For many, summer days and nights bring back memories of quiet happiness, a closeness born of complete relaxation, soft kisses under a warm and friendly moon, and the tender words of lovers whispering promises of forever that will never be kept.

The gentle sunlight seemed to wash the students clean of the looming evil in reality. The real world hid behind the corner, waiting to jump out on them, but for now they were content with ignorance. They laughed and played and loved. Enjoying the temporary peace they knew, deep down, would never last.

One person who never seemed touched by the warmth of summer was Professor Snape. He watched the children playing and wished for a return to innocence; for a return to the days when he didn't have to think about the future because he was young and indestructible. Snape had seen so many horrors in his life that he felt old beyond his years, and the summer heat never quite seemed to permeate the icy darkness shrouding his soul. He sighed deeply and turned to face Dumbledore.

"What is our next move then?"

Dumbledore glanced up at Snape, a serious look in his eyes. This secret war was taking its toll on the old man. The Ministry still refused to even acknowledge its existence, and all of the subterfuge made him feel as though he was running around in circles.

 "There is no next move. All we can do now is listen for news and wait. We must trust them."

Snape smiled bitterly at the word.

"Trust? There's no-one left to trust anymore."

"Indeed."

The storm broke suddenly, prompting happy yells and screams from the children as they half-heartedly tried to cover themselves as they ran for shelter from the rain.

In the fading light Snape stared, unseeing, out of the window again. Memories threatened to overwhelm him, and he shifted uncomfortably.

"I don't like waiting." He stated abruptly, spun on his heel, and stalked out of the office.

"None of us do my friend." said Dumbledore sadly.

**********

Draco Malfoy stood alone outside, arms outstretched and spinning slowly in the falling rain. The cool water was gradually washing away the unpleasant stickiness which had built up over the day. He slumped to the ground, his head spinning sickeningly, and tried to make sense of what had happened today.

Even with the comfort of the silence of the darkness, he was still confused. This was all Potter's fault.

The day had not started well for Draco. Breakfast in the Great Hall that morning had yielded more demands from his father. His heart had sunk when he saw the Malfoy owl gliding gracefully towards him. He knew that mail this early in the day meant only one thing: more orders and veiled threats. He was right.

_Draco,_

_It is time to stand up and be counted. The time to prove yourself is drawing near. Our friend is eager for you to return from school. However, at your request, I have decided to relent and allow you to remain at school until the end of the year. Your mother is also eager for your return and sends her love._

_Do not disappoint or embarrass me Draco, and keep your eye on the Potter boy. He will be dangerous._

_Lucius._

Eloquent and cold to the last, Lucius Malfoy however had never been one for subtlety. Draco sighed as he re-read the letter which he then folded and slipped into his robes. Did Lucius always have to be so obvious?

Draco was, however, immensely relieved to discover that he had until the end of the year to get himself out of the sticky predicament he was in. he knew there was no way he could join Voldemort's ranks of Death Eaters. Not anymore. After what he'd seen the previous summer and what he'd been subjected to, there was no way. Unfortunately, Draco could also see no way out of it which didn't result him dying a slow and painful death. Tricky, very tricky.

And then there was Potter, who was now a complete enigma to Draco. The blasted boy, no, man, he was definitely a man now, made no sense anymore and it was becoming very irritating. He would sneak looks at Draco during meals when he though no-one was watching. Draco always knew though. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rise whenever those green beauties locked onto his face. He would turn, preparing to send back a challenging glare, when he would be stopped short by the pure longing in Potter's eyes. Time and again this happened; over and over he was stunned and paralysed by those eyes on him, seeming to look right into his most inner thoughts. It was annoying and very confusing. He was beginning to suspect that his 'arch rival' was attempting to mind-fuck him.

Then there had been Potions that afternoon. Predictably, Snape had paired Draco with Potter much to the chagrin of both parties. They both knew that their work suffered immensely when they were forced to work together because they were too busy trying to score points off of each other. The antagonistic nature of their relationship tended to constantly lose them house points. 

Potter had sighed tiredly as he had moved to sit with Draco at the front of the class. He'd slumped into his chair, looking as dishevelled as ever, and began to inspect his notes on the, in Draco's opinion, completely pointless complexion enhancing potion they were supposed to be brewing that day.

"You really ought to improve your posture Potty." Draco had commented, hoping to start the ritual of how best to annoy Potter. "You look so common sitting like that."

Harry had looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Whatever."

"What? Not in the mood for a little friendly banter today?"

"Friendly?!" Harry snorted derisively. "Since when have you ever been friendly to the likes of me?" There had been a note of tired resignation to Potter's voice which thoroughly puzzled Draco. He'd decided not to comment and an uncomfortable silence had sprung between them as they worked diligently on their potion.

Draco had taken the opportunity to really study Potter's features, something he'd never bothered to do in the past. His eyes had obviously first been drawn to that dammed scar on Potter's forehead. The symbol of everything he was supposed to live up to, and the time to do it would probably be very soon, Draco had mused. He almost pitied Potter for having to live up to such impossibly high expectations. Almost, but then he remembered with bitterness how Potter smugly lorded over the rest of the 'lowly' students of Hogwarts. And the treacherous thought withdrew itself. His eyes then travelled over Potter's face. He noted the large eyes, high cheekbones and finely chiselled nose, the effect of which was softened by full lips and a rounded chin. Though he was loath to admit it, Potter's face _was_ the quintessential face of a 'hero'; exuding strength and confidence. His eyes travelled down further, taking in the broad shoulders, strong fore-arms, and long delicate fingers which were, admittedly, ruined by the fat that Potter apparently chewed his fingernails. _'Such a disgusting habit.'_ He'd raised his eyes again to Potter's, and was mildly surprised to find them staring back at him. There was a moment of stillness before,

"What are you looking at?"

Draco was never one to blush or stutter, _'so ungainly'_, but at that moment he'd had no idea what to say. He was completely lost in the depths of those shockingly bright eyes, surrounded by sinfully long lashes.

He mentally shook himself, wondering what the hell was going on.

"Not a lot apparently." He'd said bluntly, turning away.

"Well stop it"

Draco had refused to look at his partner for the remainder of the lesson, unwilling to be drawn in to those bottomless eyes again. Potter, however, would surreptitiously steal little looks at him every now and then. More than anything, this bothered Draco because it kept making him want to blush.

He'd begun to wonder if he was ill.

Draco was still sitting in the rain, mulling upon the insanity that appeared to be taking over his world. He closed his eyes and lifted his face to the rain, feeling the deliciously cool droplets begin to sooth him. He opened his mouth and let the water hit his tongue and run down his throat.

It was then that he heard the footsteps approaching him. He sighed inwardly and slowly opened his eyes. Looking up, he was once again drawn into the dark green depths that were alive with warmth and seemed to radiate strength.

"Potter."

**********

How do you know when you're in love? Is it the ache inside that feels as though it's always been there and will never go away? Or is it the tell-tale sign of when you always want to be near that person, no matter how frustrating, annoying and sarcastic they are?

Love is such an over-used word today. People bandy it around, parading their bravery at using it, when all they really do is cheapen it. Love should be anything but cheap; it should be intense and never-ending. Love is the ability to lose yourself completely in someone, so that you can't live without them. It's not boring, mundane affection. Love burns you up from inside, pounding through your veins. Passion. There's nothing else in the world. It's beyond all other emotion. There's nothing else in the world, it's all you can see. Intense, never-ending love.

But even this isn't the true nature of love. Love will always also mean pain, confusion and fear. For many it's just too much to take, but you have to because being without it would be so much worse. Pleasure and pain, forever locked together. Thinking becomes too hard, so all you can do is feel. Love, hate, whatever. It's all the same until you can think again. Slowly it comes back, and it scares you, how involved you got. You fell off the cliff, let go of the rope, let yourself fall too far. It was beyond obsession, and beyond irrationality. It made no sense, but it was right, good, true. The truth of your heart. 

I fall in love too much.

This time though, this time there really is no hope. It physically hurts me when I see him and know he'll never be mine. In my dreams I can touch him, hold him, and when I wake I can still feel the heat and pressure of his lips upon mine. It kills me a little more each day knowing that this love is so terribly unrequited.

He could never love me back. I'm distant with my emotions, afraid. The way the world made me. I never seem to exude the passion that rages in me. Nobody is allowed to see my heart. But I'd let him. I'd let him in past all the barriers because I can see the good in him. I know it's there, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I can see him. He'd heal me from the inside out. I know he would. Then I'd break apart the puzzle that is him and make a new picture, inscribing my name on every piece so that everyone would know he was mine.

I can remember every single thing I've ever said to him. I cringe as the memories echo in my mind, wishing that I could erase them so that they'd never happened. I hate that I never used to care, because now I love him and I ruined it before I even knew. I can't be alone anymore because I need him too much.

That's why I'm out here in the pouring rain on a warm summer night, looking down at Draco Malfoy. He's opened his beautiful stormy eyes, always so hard to read, and has whispered my name.

"Potter."

**********

_In the silence, I'm standing here._

_Waiting for you to begin. _

_The story is long and tortuous_

_With barely an ending,_

_And I'm confused._

_Looking for sense in a tale that has none._

_You sing a song with no words_

_And tell a poem that doesn't rhyme. _

_There's no sense to you_

_And I don't understand why I care._

_Because I threw out old rubbish from my heart_

_And made it clean for you._

_You untwisted and defiled me,_

_Making me love myself and cry._

_There's no sense because there's no ending,_

_And you won't let me make one._

_I love you so much it hurts,_

_But I don't understand why._

**********

A/N - OK wasn't sure if I should post this yet as I've got a bad habit of starting things and not finishing them. Any reviews would be nice, if I don't get any I won't have the incentive to carry on!


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If you don't like it, don't read it.**

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 2**

Malfoy was still staring at Harry, looking expectant. _'What am I doing? You know this isn't right.' Rain water trickled down the back of Harry's neck making him shudder involuntarily. Harry was confused as to why he was outside in the rain, looking at Malfoy like that. _'God, he's beautiful.'__

"Is there something you want Potter?" Malfoy drawled, managing to look calm and composed whilst sitting in the mud in the middle of a thunderstorm. _'There's something that I want that I'll never be able to have.' _

Harry didn't know what to do with himself. He'd been moody all day, stomping around the Gryffindor common room snapping at people. Ron and Hermione had come to just accept his bad moods these days, thinking that it was just the pressure of being the 'hero' getting to him. God, how he hated that label, almost as much as 'The Boy who Lived'. _'Wish I fucking hadn't lived, then I wouldn't be feeling like this.'_

He hadn't even known that Malfoy would be out here, he'd just needed to get away from the suffocating atmosphere in the castle. He fidgeted uncomfortably, trying to think of something to say.

"Why are you out here?"

"Well if you must know, I was pondering on the meaning of life." said Malfoy sarcastically. "What the hell do you want?" He seemed irritated by the interruption, and Harry immediately regretted his decision to come and talk to the boy.

"I don't know." He muttered truthfully and turned to go. What else should he have expected from a Malfoy? He'd come across him, sitting in the mud, looking so calm and peaceful as he'd drank rain water. It had been a hot day and Harry had been feeling very frustrated. When he'd seen the blond Slytherin who was currently occupying so many of his thoughts, to be honest all of them, he hadn't been able to resist. What had he though he was going to say? _'I can't stop thinking about you. You've gotten under my skin and I just wish it would stop. Everything I do, everywhere I go, all I think about, is affected by you.'_ No.

"Look," said Malfoy tiredly, "you obviously have something on your mind so just spit it out."

_'If only I could.' thought Harry desolately. He turned back and locked eyes with him again. He opened his mouth to speak, but for once, his courage failed him. _'I can't do it. I can't tell him. It wouldn't make any difference.'_ Harry panicked suddenly, turned stiffly and just walked away, mentally berating himself as he went. _'Stupid, stupid, stupid!___ What did you think you were doing?' He could hear Malfoy calling his name but he kept walking._

Harry was paying no attention to where he was going as he re-entered the school, which was why he walked into a soft but determinately solid obstruction which let out a surprised "Ooof!" Harry stepped back to see who he had walked into.

"Oh! Professor McGonagall! I'm so sorry!"

"It's OK Harry; I was looking for you anyway. Professor Dumbledore wishes to see you." McGonagall looked very serious and Harry took a deep breath as he nodded.

"Follow me please."

Harry followed his professor, dreading what news was awaiting him in Dumbledore's office.

**********

Draco was very confused now. He'd almost been able to _taste the tension between himself and Potter, but it wasn't the normal tense atmosphere between them, which was bred from intense dislike. This had been different, very different._

He'd obviously wanted to say something before he'd walked off, I could see it in his eyes. At some point, a small voice in the back of his head began to wonder at what point Draco had become so sensitive to what was going on in Potter's head. This was a voice which Draco blatantly ignored and hoped would just go away. _'It was like he panicked and had to control himself not to simply run away from me screaming!'_ Draco had no idea what was going on, but he intended to find out. 

Over the past few weeks an eerie calm had settled between himself and Potter. It was as though they had both grown tired of actively seeking each other out, merely to piss the hell out of each other. So what had he wanted? 

_'Oh this is silly' thought Draco, and promptly got up and followed the direction in which Potter had gone. _'He can't have gotten far, and I want to know what this is all about.'_ The whole situation was really creeping him out._

However, when Draco reached the main entrance, Potter was nowhere to be seen and he had no idea where he might have gone.

"Bugger." he muttered, feeling vaguely disappointed as he stomped off in the direction of the dungeons to take a shower.

**************

Draco dreams…

…Running, I'm running…Everything is perfect, completely perfect, until the shadows close in…

_I'm sitting with Harry and he's looking at me with those eyes again. I open my mouth to speak and then remember that I can't. That way I'm not allowed to spoil a perfect moment. Darkness is surrounding us, and I can see the shapes in it that scare me, because I know what they are. The light engulfing us drives them away, and it's coming from Harry. I know as long as I keep looking in his eyes I'll be safe from them. I reach out to touch him, wanting to be secure in my safety with him. He pulls away from me, looking hurt that I tried to touch him. Slowly, he turns his eyes away from me, and I know that I'm doomed. The darkness claws at me, stretching out towards me. It touches me and it's like ice picks driving into my heart over and over. Oh God it hurts and Harry did this. Thick tendrils sneak around my body, I can't move, I let my head fall back and scream as I feel them wrap around my throat and strangle me…_

…Running, I'm running…

**********

Harry sat at the window of his dormitory wiping away bitter angry tears. He'd managed to shake off Ron and Hermione; he wasn't ready to tell them this yet. He really should, they had as much right to be told as he had.

_'He's dead…Voldemort…again.'_

Slowly, he dragged himself to bed. His final thoughts as he drifted off to sleep should have been of Lupin, but strangely they were of Malfoy. It was comforting.

Harry dreams…

…Want this. Want you. Want you…Kill me softly with your arms around me…

_…I feel Draco's hands on me, his hot breath on my skin. I open my eyes and he's all I can see, a bright shining light that overwhelms me. I can feel him all around me; inside me. Pushing and pulling at my heart. He covers me completely and I melt into him; trying to mould myself to him. I can never get close enough to him, there's always too much space between us. I try to breathe him in; consume him. He's pushing me harder and it's all I know. The world fades around us and there's only him. The feel of him, his smell, his breath, his eyes – smiling down at me, never wavering. I press my hands into his back, desperate to leave an imprint of myself on him so that he'll remember; so he'll come back. He's holding me now, running his fingers through my hair. He kisses my neck softly and I miss his warmth. Peace overwhelms me for the first time ever. I finally got what I wanted and he gave it to me. I was safe and warm and protected in him. He turns away then, laughing spitefully at my stupidity. Laughing and laughing at me as he turns his face away to kiss another. My tears are falling and I'm screaming but no sound comes out because he'll never know…_

…Kill me softly with words and kisses…Overwhelm me, hold me, fill me…

**********

They both wake suddenly, rise quietly, dress and leave their dorms.

**********

_It's gets in your skin,_

_Pulling gently at you till you scream.___

_You want to hit and punch and kill,_

_Just to get away from it._

_It's like a poison and cure in one._

_It's as though your heart gets ripped out_

_Then put back together again._

_You don't know what to do with yourself._

_This isn't meant to be for us._

_It's only for the beautiful ones;_

_The only possible ones who could deserve to feel this way._

_And the sadness kills you._

_It's pain. It's torture._

_It's never ending._

_It's more than you can handle._

_Too much emotion to cope.___

_You cry, but don't know why._

_You smile secretly to yourself._

_The depression hits when you realise,_

_That it will always be this way._

_The pain.__ The torture._

_All for nothing when you realise,_

_That your love is unrequited.___

_The self-hatred slowly builds._

_The poison in your veins is love._

_The ice in your heart is fear._

_It won't let go of you now._

_You're over your head and drowning._

_Love will kill us all._

**********

A/N - Thanks to those who reviewed, I appreciate the feedback. If anyone else feels the need to review…don't resist it!


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 3**

Draco was very tired. As he sat at the Slytherin table that morning, he had to keep pinching himself so that he would stay awake. The night before, after he had woken from that hideous dream featuring Potter, he hadn't been able to sleep from the trauma it had inflicted upon him, so he had left his dormitory, intending to go for a midnight stroll. He'd avoided the Astronomy Tower which, although offering a breath-taking view, would also have provided him with the company of numerous snogging couples. Instead, he'd opted for a walk on the far side of the lake, away from the prying eyes of any teachers stalking the corridors and of Mrs Norris. He'd sat there, severely disturbed by the fact that Potter was still in his mind, when the damned boy appeared, literally, out of nowhere on the other side of the lake. Draco had hidden quickly behind a bush, unwilling to risk a confrontation and awkward questions as to why he was out there in the middle of the night. Instead, he had satisfied himself by spying on Potter and wondering what the Golden Boy was doing there. Potter appeared to be thinking deeply and didn't look as though he was going to be moving very far in the near future, so Draco had snuck away walking on the sheltered bank of the lake to avoid Potter seeing him. The sun had been rising as he'd gotten back to his room, and at that point he'd given up on the thought of getting any more sleep.

The other students from his house were talking around him, moaning about the Gryffindors again. wondering briefly on the point of this pointless activity as the Gryffindors were blatantly always going to be the apple of Dumbledore's eye and would therefore always get preferential treatment from the mad old boot, Draco let his mind drift away from the petty worries of his friends and, once again, his thoughts turned to his disturbing dreams from the night before. Draco was normally a sound sleeper who very rarely remembered his dreams, and was generally never even aware if he'd had any. Last night though, it had been so vivid. He could remember every moment of it, but that wasn't what was bothering him the most. What was distressing him and nagging at his mind, were the feelings that had accompanied the dream in question.

Draco's upbringing had been, for want of a better word, cold. His parents had never made him feel unloved, his mother had always made sure he was dressed in clothes of the highest quality, had the best toys and was never bored, and he knew that both of his parents cared deeply for him, but there was no emotional attachment. He could spend hours in a room with his father, discussing politics, school work or his future, but they had never made any emotional contact. All feelings were made implicit as there was no need to discuss them. Draco hadn't missed this emotional intimacy with his parents, because you can't miss what you've never fully experienced. However, the emotions he had experienced in that dream…he'd felt very safe and close to Potter. Comfortable. But he'd ruined it by trying to intensify the sensations. The problem was that, upon waking, those feelings had stayed with him. It was as though a craving had been awoken inside of him, and he absolutely no control over it.

Draco was, of course, appalled to even be _considering_ having any feelings towards the wretched boy. They fought, despised, challenged and tormented each other. Draco refused to even attempt to consider the possibility of forming some sort of emotional attachment to him.

His eyes drifted over to the Gryffindor table. Potter was looking desolately at his plate, half-heartedly moving his food around. _'God, he looks as bad as I feel! I wonder how long he stayed out there last night. What could be bothering him that much?' thought Draco, stifling a yawn and momentarily speculating on whether it had anything with what Potter had been trying to tell him the previous evening. He rose to leave as he realised that the tedious conversation around him was probably what was sending him to sleep, and the movement prompted Potter to look up. Their eyes locked and Draco was riveted to the spot. _'He's so tired. I wonder what's happened.'_ A shiver ran down his spine. He mentally shook himself and stalked from the room, cursing Potter and his stupid green eyes._

**********

Harry was so lost in his thoughts, that when Hermione gently touched his arm to get his attention, he nearly jumped a mile.

"Harry?" she asked softly, "What's wrong?"

Harry had noticed Malfoy leaving a few minutes ago. Their eyes had met and he's seen some sort of question there, which was quickly followed by confusion and irritation before he'd stomped off. Since then he's been completely lost in thought about Lupin. He'd been thinking about Lupin since he'd woken up the previous night. He'd been dreaming about Malfoy, but not one of his normal dreams, this dream had hurt him; telling him things he wasn't willing to accept. Harry had also been unable to sleep and had slipped out of Gryffindor Tower wearing his invisibility cloak. He'd avoided the Astronomy Tower, like Malfoy had, and had sat thinking by the lake about Lupin until well after the sun had risen.

It was mainly because of his exhausted state, that Harry had missed the concerned looks which were passing between Ron and Hermione over the breakfast table. He knew he needed to tell them now.

"I've got something to tell you, but not here." he said quietly. "Let's go."

"But Harry, you've hardly eaten anything! We can wait until you've finished if you can't tell us here." said Hermione, always trying to mother him.

Harry looked straight into her eyes, and she flinched at what she saw there.

"Trust me, after you've heard what I have to say you won't be hungry either. Let's go." He repeated.

The three of them rose to leave, just as Dumbledore stood at the staff table. He looked at Harry and nodded, giving silent permission for them to go. As they left the hall, Harry heard Dumbledore start to speak.

"My dear students, it is my most unenviable duty this morning to inform you that…"

**********

The Gryffindor common room was empty; Gryffindors are never ones to miss meals. The three friends sat by the unlit fire and Ron and Hermione shared another worried look.

"Harry –" Ron started.

"It'll be easier if I just tell you straight." Said Harry quickly, wanting to get this over with. He looked down at his hands, unable to look them both in the eye.

"Yesterday evening Dumbledore called me into his office…"

_*FLASHBACK*_

"Harry my dear boy, have a seat." Said Dumbledore kindly. He was trying to sound his usual cheerful self, but Harry could tell that there was something wrong. There was no twinkle in Dumbledore's watery, blue eyes.

"What can I do for you sir?" Harry asked as he sat, dreading the answer he would get. At that point, Professor Snape quietly entered the office, with a curt nod to Dumbledore, he went to stand at the window with his back to them.

"Severus." was Dumbledore's only acknowledgement of his being there. Harry was surprised by his Potions masters presence but refrained from commenting. Dumbledore returned his attention to Harry.

"Harry, I'm afraid I have some grave news to tell you." Harry's heart sank further.

"Is it Sirius?" he asked nervously. Snape's back visibly tensed at the mention of Harry's godfather. Despite still being on the run from the Ministry, Harry knew that Sirius had been working tirelessly with the other members of the Order in the fight against the ever-increasing members of Voldemort's supporters. Harry constantly feared for the safety of his godfather; his closest link to his parents.

"No Harry, Sirius is fine." The relief on Harry's face was obvious. "However, I'm afraid I cannot say as much for our friend Remus Lupin. I'm sorry to have to tell you that he was killed last night in a Death Eater ambush. He was to meet, in secret, someone who we thought was a reliable source from Voldemort's inner circle. Unfortunately, we were mistaken." Dumbledore's voice trailed off as he looked away.

Harry couldn't move; couldn't think. _'He's gone. He's gone. He was always so nice to me. Tried to help…'_ He looked to Dumbledore, confused.

"Who?" he asked quietly. He was on information overload, not really taking anything in but needing to be told. Dumbledore looked back to him, his eyes glistening.

"Pardon?"

"Who was he supposed to be meeting?"

"Harry, that's not important. I can't tell you." Harry was still confused.

"But how could you let this happen? I mean, weren't you careful? How could you not have known? He was…" his voice failed him as silent tears ran down his cheeks. Dumbledore looked sympathetic at his outburst. _'He has a right to be angry. We should have known.'_

Snape had turned from the window and was approaching Harry. As he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, Harry looked up into his eyes, still confused.

"I know you were close to him, and he will be a great loss to our cause, but Harry, this should not let us give up hope. We have to remember that this is nobody's fault but Voldemort's. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this. There are other plans in mind and his death will be revenged. There will be other opportunities-"

"Severus!" said Dumbledore sharply. "I hardly think that Harry needs to be troubled with news of the Order."

"Albus, he's sixteen and this directly affects him. You know he needs to be told."

"I realise this, but I feel that now is not the time. Let him grieve for the loss of his friend. Harry, I shall leave it to you to tell Miss Granger and Mr Weasley. I shall be informing the rest of the school tomorrow morning. Harry?"

Harry was numb, letting the conversation flow over him.

"Er, yes sir?"

"Sirius will arrive here tomorrow evening Harry. I'm sure you'll want to see him."

"Urm, yes. Of course."

"Are you alright Harry? Is there anything we can do for you? A sleeping potion may help."

"No. No, I'm fine. Thank you." Harry rose slowly, unsure of his movements. He left Dumbledore's office in a daze.

_*END FLASHBACK*_

Harry looked up from his hands as he finished talking. Tears were streaming down Hermione's face. Harry wanted to take her hand, try to comfort her, but he found that there was nothing he could say, so he did nothing. Ron looked extremely close to tears himself; his head was down and facing away from them.

"Poor Lupin…" Ron managed, in a choked voice. The three friends sat in silence for a long time after that, mourning the loss of their old professor and friend. There were no words left to say.

**********

"Didn't you hear Draco?" Pansy Parkinson asked in her simpering voice.

"Hear what?" Draco snapped irritably. He was too tired for this and just the sound of Pansy's voice was getting on his nerves. He was sitting in the Slytherin common room relaxing and trying to ease the headache that was forming behind his eyes. There were a few minutes left before his first lesson of the day and he didn't want to spend the rest of the morning with a throbbing head. Pansy's interruption was not welcome.

"Well they announced it at breakfast _darling_." Draco winced at her accentuation of the word, he was nobody's _darling. "Actually I'm surprised your father didn't tell you!"_

"Didn't tell me what Pansy? Just spit it out. Your voice is hurting my brain. If Draco's words hurt her feelings, Pansy didn't show it.

"Well, Professor Lupin, you remember him don't you, the werewolf? Well he's dead. Died in a Death Eater attack."

"No I hadn't heard. Poor old Professor Lupin. Hardly a loss I fear." said Draco coldly. _'So that was what was wrong with Potter. I wonder if he's OK'_ Pansy, satisfied that her piece of gossip had been acknowledged, wandered off to find anyone else that hadn't heard the news, leaving Draco to his confused thoughts once more.

_'Why do I care if he's OK? Oh no, it can't be. Oh dear God. I care…'_

**********

_Our footprints in the sand of life meet._

_Yours are steady and even,_

_Never wavering or stopping._

_But mine are erratic,_

_Leaving, and then returning to your side._

_Eventually, I make up my mind,_

_And our footprints parallel as I finally understand and love you._

_Our feet and hearts merge_

_Until we are one, _

_Finally, in everlasting peace._

_The footprints stop, _

_They swirl and circle each other,_

_As we dance together._

**********

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I'm amazed I'm still writing this, something seems to have inspired me. And yes, the poems at the end are mine. I'm more of a poet than a story writer and I can't seem to resist putting them in when I feel they fit.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 4**

Late that evening, Ron and Hermione were to be found talking quietly in the Gryffindor common room. Harry had once again been summoned to Dumbledore's office so that he could see Sirius. They had been eager to see Sirius again, but had decided not to go with Harry as they thought the two needed some time alone. As they waited for Harry to return their conversation predictably turned to Lupin. They talked about their memories of him, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying.

They had been sitting in comfortable silence for a while, when Hermione suddenly sat up straight and said,

"Ron? What do you think Professor Snape was trying to tell Harry?"

"What?" asked Ron, momentarily confused.

"You know, Harry said that Snape mentioned other plans and a time for revenge, but that Dumbledore had told him to stop."

"I don't know." said Ron thoughtfully. "What could the plans of the Order have to do with Harry? I mean, they've kept us away from it all really, especially Harry. Probably trying to save us too much pain." said Ron. The irony of this wasn't lost on either of them.

"So why then, was Snape trying to tell Harry now? Could you think of a more inappropriate time to try and update him?"

"Maybe it's just Snape being Snape. He always was weird. Trying to put too much pressure on Harry. You know what he's like."

"Hmm, I suppose, but Harry's been under enough stress lately as it is." said Hermione, sounding very worried.

"Yeah, I've noticed. The past few weeks he's been quiet, moody, always drifting off into space. I wonder what's wrong."

"Ha! Sounds like he's in love!" Hermione chuckled, and then stopped abruptly. "You don't think…"

"Harry? In love? Dunno, I suppose it could be that."

"But who with?" asked Hermione thoughtfully.

"I have no idea, but what I really want to know is, if it's true, why hasn't he told us?

"Well that's obvious." said Hermione in her infuriating know-it-all voice.

"Is it?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Well yes. If he hasn't said anything, he's obviously embarrassed and probably hasn't come to terms with it himself."

"Why would he be embarrassed?"

"Now that, is an entirely different question. I've got absolutely no idea."

"Oh" said Ron. They lapsed back into silence again as they waited for their friend to return.

**********

"Sirius!" Harry cried as soon as he entered Dumbledore's office and saw his godfather sitting by the fireplace. Sirius jumped up and enveloped Harry in a huge hug. They stood there for a while and when they pulled apart, Harry got a good look at his godfather's face.

"You look exhausted. And thin, have you been eating?" Sirius smiled tiredly at him and told him to sit down. Dumbledore excused himself from the room and they both hardly noticed.

"I'm fine Harry. How are you?" Sirius asked seriously after Dumbledore had left.

"I don't really know. It barely seems real. How are you doing?" Sirius smiled again and then sighed as the smile faded from his face and the haggard look returned.

"I've been travelling all day. I wanted to be here, but it brings back so many memories. I'm just kind of numb really." He looked away suddenly, not wishing to shed tears in front of Harry.

"I know." said Harry quietly. "It hurts."

"Yes, it does. Did they tell you all that had happened?"

"Sort of. They wouldn't tell me who Lupin was supposed to be meeting. Do you know?" Harry didn't know why this was so important to him, maybe he just needed somewhere to aim all of his anger. Sirius looked uncomfortable.

"Yes, I know, but it's really not important. I can't tell you." Harry was becoming more and more frustrated with hearing that phrase.

"Look, just tell me! It's not as though there's anything I can do about it now! He's already dead for God's sake!" He immediately regretted saying that when he saw the expression on Sirius' face.

"I know that Harry." He said quietly.

"I'm sorry. It's not your fault." Harry's voice trailed off and they sat in silence. Tears began to fall from Harry's eyes again and he wiped them away angrily.

"I'm the only one left now you know, except for Peter. All my friends, they're all gone."

"I'm sorry Sirius." Harry was desperately trying to think of a way to change the subject; the pain was too raw for either of them to be talking about yet. "So, where have you been?"

"Just around. Gathering information. Trying to help. Nothing you'd be interested in."

"But I am interested!" Harry protested.

"Look Harry, I don't appreciate you trying to pump me for information right now."

"I'm not trying to do anything! I just, I feel so helpless."

"You are. We all are."

"Sirius, don't talk like that. We'll get through this somehow. You know we will." Sirius looked at Harry in wonder for a moment before saying,

"You're so young. So full of hope and expectations. So naïve." He said sadly.

"I'm not naïve and I'm not a child!"

"Harry-"

"No! You'll listen to me for a change! You think I don't understand what's at stake here? You think I don't know the consequences? I'm living proof of what happens when people fail! Look at what happened to me! I've got no family. I'm alone in the world." Harry was rambling now, letting off all of the pent up rage he had been feeling for years. "I never got to talk to my mother. I don't know how much I resemble my father because I never got to see him. I never knew them" he choked out.

"Harry."

"No. look I'm sorry. I know this isn't the time. I'll see you later OK? I've got to…I've just got to go." With that, Harry walked out of the room.

When Dumbledore re-entered his office, he found Sirius alone by the fire, holding head in his hands.

"Sirius?" Sirius looked up into the old man's face, and Dumbledore saw utter defeat in his eyes.

"Sirius, we will beat this."

"How can we when we don't know who to trust anymore? This will never end. It will go on and on until we are all dead."

**************

Snape stalked into Dumbledore's office moments after Sirius had left. He took his customary place at the window and stared out across the moonlit grounds, wishing he could rid himself of the memories of the meeting with Voldemort he had just attended.

Dumbledore knew not to interrupt the thoughts of his friend and colleague, and instead waited patiently for him to begin. After another few minutes he sighed and turned around to face the headmaster. The haunted look that never seemed to leave his face these days greatly saddened the old man. He sometimes wondered if any of this was worth it. So many lives had been destroyed and for no good reason that he could see, but there really was no other way.

Snape took a shaky breath before starting in an attempt to calm himself.

"They still do not trust me. I was summoned to what I believed to be a normal meeting of all the Death Eaters. However, when I arrived I was faced with only Voldemort and the members of his inner circle. I am still unaware of the majority of their identities. There were more…tests for me." He visibly grimaced and Dumbledore saw the self-disgust flicker momentarily over his face. "The tests were completed satisfactorily, and I was then sent away. Just like the other times. I fear that they will never trust me."

"Have patience, Severus. I know you will regain their trust eventually."

"But we're running out of time!" Snape snapped, his voice rising. "We know there's something coming; something big. Lupin knew it and that's why he contacted _him_." he spat the word, unable to mention the name of that vile creature.

"I understand your frustration Severus, but-"

"My frustration has nothing to do with it! You know as well as I do that they will never trust me again and any information they give me will probably be useless. We need someone else; another spy."

"We've talked about this before. I refuse to ask that of anyone, especially a student. I will not knowingly place anyone in that kind of danger, and besides, I am still not convinced of-"

"His loyalties are to himself! Self-preservation is most important to him. He's not stupid; he would see the sense of the plan."

"He's only a boy Severus."

"He's the same age as I was." said Snape quietly. He returned to the window, gazing unseeing at the outside world.

"I know." said Dumbledore "And that is just one more reason why we cannot ask this of him. We cannot condemn him to that kind of life."

"To my life." Snape said softly, before turning and leaving the office.

**********

Harry was angry. Angry because Sirius wouldn't tell him, angry with Voldemort, but most of all he was angry with himself. His whole life people had expected things of him; had expected him to succeed. His beginnings promised so much, but he'd failed. How could he ever be expected to defeat such evil? There was another death on his conscience because he was too weak. He should have been able to do something.

After storming out of Dumbledore's office, he really should have returned to Gryffindor Tower, he knew that Ron and Hermione would be waiting up for him, but he needed some air first. He crept outside to the spot on the near bank of the lake, where he'd gone the previous night after his dream.

He stood there for a long time, thinking about his parents, Cedric, and Lupin. _'All those lives._ Gone.'_ After a while he heard footsteps behind him. He didn't turn around, just waited to hear the admonishing remarks from whichever teacher had found him. Instead, he was surprised to hear a quiet voice saying, "Potter." and he turned around to face the one person he had been avoiding thinking about._

"Hello Malfoy." said Harry, turning away again to look across the lake.

"I heard about Lupin." Malfoy said in the same quiet voice. Harry sighed and turned back to look at him, awaiting the inevitable sarcastic remark. He was fully aware of the opinions Malfoy had had of Lupin in their third year. Instead, Malfoy just stood there, fidgeting and looking extremely nervous.

"Urm, I was just wondering if you're OK." He finally managed.

"No" said Harry shortly. "I'm not." He couldn't cope with this right now. He'd accepted his feelings for Malfoy, but he didn't need this kind of emotional torture right now. He didn't need it rubbed into his face that there was no chance of his feelings ever being returned, even though there appeared to be some strange kind of truce between the two.

"Oh…well I…I'm sorry OK? I know you liked him and everything." With that said, Malfoy turned around and left, looking as though he'd gotten something vitally important off of his chest. Harry stared incredulously at his retreating back. Malfoy was being nice to him. Malfoy had been nervous. He had a sudden flashback to their conversation the day before, when Harry had been the fidgety and nervous one because of the way he was feeling. Maybe that meant…

"Malfoy! Wait!"

**********

Draco stopped and slowly turned back to face him.

"Why are you out here?" asked Potter, there was another question in his eyes which Draco was not prepared to answer yet. He remained silent as he tried to think of a plausible answer.

"I wanted to see if you were OK."

"Why?"

"What do you mean?" asked Draco, purposefully trying to be stupid. _'Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me.'_

"Why," said Potter patiently, "do you want to know if I'm OK? Why should you of all people care?" There was no bitterness in Potter's voice, only an honesty which saddened Draco.

"I don't know." said Draco softly, suddenly acutely aware that he was no longer able to look Potter in the eye. He was quickly losing control of the situation. _'He can't know!'_

"Draco." A whisper that had the effect of a gun-shot on him. His head snapped up, his shocked eyes locked with Potter's, and he was lost.

_'How could I have let this happen? Why is this fair?'_ he thought desperately.

"I've seen you staring at me." He blurted out stupidly. Potter's face went blank, as though he suddenly closed off all of his emotions. He released Draco from his gaze as his eyes shifted away and he turned back to face the lake.

"Oh" he said quietly. "And?"

"What do you mean and?" said Draco in a sharper tone of voice than he had intended. He was regretting this more and more each second and he was getting angry. "Look, I just wanted to see if you were OK, and now I know, I'm leaving."

As he turned, Potter reached out and took hold of his arm. Draco turned back and was trapped once more.

"Draco." He whispered again, an unreadable look in his eyes.

"Leave it Harry" Draco said, shrugging off Potter's arm and, summoning his last scrap of self-restraint, tore his eyes away and walked back into the castle.

**********

_The outline of the house wavers;_

_Shimmering through the heat.___

_Its dark windows reflecting the sunlight,_

_And the trees outside sway.___

_As I stare, the breeze picks up,_

_Until it howls in my ears;_

_Howls like my heart in pain._

_I continue to watch,_

_Waiting for something to change,_

_For something new to appear.___

_Though I know nothing will._

_Rain begins to fall, but still I stay,_

_Afraid to move, lest I miss something.___

_It hails, snows, thunders,_

_The world tries to make me move._

_The voices begin to speak,_

_Their words carried on the wind._

_Telling me I'm worthless, nothing,_

_That everything I'll ever need_

_Is locked in that house.___

_I can see it, but will never possess it,_

_For I fear to take a step,_

_The step that will take me closer_

_To the happiness I'll never have._

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, I really appreciate it. If you feel the urge to review, don't resist it. You know you want to!!


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 5**

****

The following week consisted mainly of just getting through the day to day drudgery of school. The day of Lupin's funeral, the school had held a minute's silence at dinner. Dumbledore made another speech, and Harry hadn't been able to cope. He'd felt the eyes of every single person in the hall on his back, as he stood stiffly and left. He'd gone back to his spot by the lake, hoping that the dark waters would somehow offer him some comfort. The silence deafened him as he dropped to his knees, silent tears streaming down his face.

Draco had watched from afar as the guilt slowly broke Harry apart. He'd known where Harry would go when he left the hall, so he'd left dinner as soon as he could without drawing too much attention to himself. There was nothing he wanted to do more at that moment than to gather Harry up in his arms and comfort him. But Draco was fighting his feelings for the boy. There was no way Harry would ever trust him after the reputation he had built for himself. Harry would never understand the need for lies and manipulation in the world Draco lived in; he was far too naïve for that. There would be no future for such a relationship, and therefore Draco saw no point in pursuing it. It was just such a shame that he felt so drawn to Harry; that he was captivated by everything about him; that Harry was the only one who had ever made him stutter. So it was because of this that Draco watched over Harry from a distance until his friends found him and gently pulled him back inside.

It was so tragic, the hole inside of Draco which he had, only recently, was distinctly Harry Potter-shaped. Over the past week he'd done nothing but think of Potter. He'd realised how they always actively sought each other out; how they challenged one another; pushed each other harder every day. It had taken five years, but Draco had finally realised that the one person who challenged him physically, mentally and emotionally; the one person who had ever managed to get under his skin, was the one person he would never be able to have. He knew Potter had feelings for him as well; that he had begun to realise what Draco was also just discovering, but he also knew that Potter was fighting his feelings just the way he was. It had to be obvious to him as well that the damage was already done and there would never be complete trust between them. Love, affection, lust, but never trust.

This realisation greatly depressed Draco, as he sat and fantasised about how different things might have been, if they had been living in another time. Draco thought about how they could have sat by the fire together, exchanging friendly banter, talking about Quidditch. Then the image would change, and Potter was standing behind him, running his hands over Draco's back, down his sides and placing light feathery kisses along the back of his neck. Deliciously soft lips, tracing patterns on his skin as fingers danced through his hair. Gentle and firm, determined but kind. They would take each other over and over, and their kisses would be filled with wild and romantic promises of love.

Draco had thought about removing this new-found knowledge from his mind, he knew perfectly well how to do it. He considered that he would be better off not knowing these things. Then he thought about Potter, and Lupin, and his father, and Voldemort, and he realised that he would be no better off. Something had poisoned his world and eventually it would seep in and ruin everything he wished to preserve. There was no point in hiding from it. He remembered his father's words to him: _It is time to stand up and be counted._ It was time for Draco to pick a side. Draco stood up, and for the first time in his young life, made an adult decision.

**********

For Harry, the majority of the week had passed peacefully. Ron and Hermione seemed to realise his need for solitude and he was grateful that they didn't try to push him. The day of Lupin's funeral had been by far the worst day. Both Dumbledore and Sirius had thought it would be best if Harry didn't go. It was likely to be a very emotional day, and they believed it would be better for Harry to have the support of his friends around him. Harry had wanted to go, mainly for Sirius' sake, but he understood. His place was at Hogwarts.

It was obvious to everyone that Harry was not taking Lupin's death well. As the days grew warmer, Harry's mood seemed to darken, and it seemed that there was no-one who he was willing to talk to. It became part of his routine to wonder the halls at night, always eventually ending up at his place by the lake. His mind was haunted by memories of the dead, and tortured by thoughts of what he could have done to prevent it.

The pressure of the wizarding world's ideals that he would once again be their saviour was gradually wearing him down. He desperately wanted to help; wanted to be involved, but how could he when Dumbledore insisted on treating him like an ignorant child? He was constantly frustrated as he saw friends fighting Voldemort whilst he had to be content with sitting by and watching the outcome from the relative safety of Hogwarts. He didn't want to watch as, one by one, his friends were murdered. He wanted to help.

His last conversation with Sirius before he left Hogwarts to return to his hideout kept replaying in his mind.

"Harry" Sirius had said, "Will you promise me something?"

"What?"

"Promise me you won't go looking for revenge. You're time _will come." There had been a concerned look on his face._

"I'm tired of waiting Sirius."

"I know you're frustrated, but you're not ready yet. You must see that."

"I do. I won't do anything. There's nothing I can do." The relief on Sirius' face had been obvious and it had brought a rare smile to Harry's face.

**********

"Can I help you Mr Malfoy?"

This was not a normal shop in which the regular customer could enter. Only the select few were privy to the information that was required in order to get there. Lucius Malfoy looked at the cluttered and dusty interior with barely disguised disgust. He would never understand why such places insisted on retaining such a dark and dingy atmosphere, as though they had something to hide; which, of course, they did. He longed to pull down the thick drapes which covered the large windows and let the warm light reach objects which hadn't seen the sun in centuries. He glanced around at the mostly useless gadgets and antiques which covered every surface, cleverly disguising the true nature of this place. He studiously ignored the hovering shopkeeper as he completed his survey of his surroundings. It was always best to keep other people waiting; it makes them uncomfortable and ensures you the upper hand in any negotiations. He finally turned his icy stare to the aging man before him.

"Yes. I have a package to collect."

"Oh yes." The shopkeeper murmured. He fumbled around behind the counter before retrieving the correct box. He hesitated momentarily before handing the artefact over, as though he was unsure as to whether he should be parting with it to this particular customer. "There you are sir. I trust everything is in order?"

Lucius' eyes glittered as he looked at his purchase.

"Yes thank you. He will be most pleased." He dropped a bag of coins on the counter and swept out of the shop, leaving the shopkeeper to let out a deep sigh of relief.

**********

Harry had been in Dumbledore's office for half an hour now, and he was getting more and more frustrated by the minute. The old professor had been patient with him, understanding as ever, but even Harry could see he was getting tired of him. Hermione had warned him against bothering Dumbledore, saying that Harry just had to accept things as they were, he was an unqualified student with only a handful of O.W.L's to his name. He would only get in the way. He should have listened to her. Dumbledore was giving nothing away.

"But sir! I know there's a plan, Snape was trying to tell me about it! Just let me help."

"Harry, I realise you're frustrated. We all know how personally you take these things and the pressures you feel from your status in our world. You just have to accept that there is nothing you can do. Leave it to the Order to sort these things out. I can assure you, Remus Lupin's sacrifice will not be forgotten."

"You don't understand! I don't want to be the victim in this anymore. I always get dragged into these things. This time I volunteer!"

"Harry!" said Dumbledore sharply. "One day I am sure you will have a part to play, but it will not be today." Despite Dumbledore's words, Harry remained determined.

"Now my dear boy, you must return to your dormitory. I have an important meeting to attend." Harry's ears perked up at the sad note to Dumbledore's voice. As he stood to leave he said, 

"I'll find out you know. Somehow I will."

"Goodnight Harry."

Harry left the office with no intention of going to bed. He would find out about this meeting. It had to have something to do with their plans. He hid around the corner and trained his eyes on the statue leading to the office he had just left. When Dumbledore left, he would follow him wearing his invisibility cloak.

However, after ten minutes Dumbledore still hadn't left, and Harry was getting fidgety, worrying abut getting caught loitering in the corridors after hours. Suddenly, he heard slow footsteps approaching and saw a dark figure approaching. Straining to see this mysterious figure, Harry's heart leapt into his throat. It was Draco Malfoy, looking effortlessly beautiful as ever, but he had a pensive look on his face. _'Why does he want to see Dumbledore? What does _he_ have to do with any of this?'_

Harry had been avoiding thinking about Malfoy. He'd been pining for him for months, longing just to be near him. As the same time though, he had no reason to trust the boy. Harry just had to look at his family and his list lengthened. He'd tried to tell himself that it was just physical lust, Malfoy was built like an Adonis and Harry _was _sixteen, but he knew this wasn't true. There was something more; something magnetic pulling him to Malfoy.

He'd been very confused after what had happened at the lake. Malfoy had been nervous, touchy; almost human. It had been a side of him Harry hadn't seen. It bred hope in his love-starved heart, but Harry was still wary. Maybe Malfoy had just been feeling guilty, maybe it was one of Lucius' plots to get close to him, but a voice in his head kept suggesting that it was more than that.

Harry was terrified of getting hurt, and it terrified him even more that his feelings might somehow be reciprocated. He was painfully aware that if it all ended in tears, they would certainly be his. He needed to know more. So Harry settled down and prepared to wait for Malfoy to return from seeing Dumbledore, brimming with anticipation, dread and excitement at the mere idea of being alone with Malfoy again.

**********

Draco had decided. He would do this for all of the people he had seen consumed by hate, he would do this for Potter, and most of all he would do this for himself. He had to rid himself of the darkness that had surrounded his childhood.

He sat down in front of Dumbledore's desk, and doubted if he'd ever felt so nervous as the old man looked at him like he could see his soul.

"Mr Malfoy. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Sir, I have come, of my own free will, to provide you with information on my father and to, urm, offer my services to the Order." A look of sadness flickered in Dumbledore's eyes and he sighed.

"I see. What, may I ask, has brought you to this decision Draco?" Draco shifted uncomfortably. He'd expected this question but not so soon.

"Certain events were brought to my attention over the summer, and also recently, that have, shall we say, altered my perspective on certain issues." He knew he was being vague and cagey, but it was the only game he knew how to play and Dumbledore appeared to sense this.

"I presume you are aware of the possible consequences of you revealing this information to us? Are you sure you want to do this?"

Why was Dumbledore trying to talk him out of this? _'I'd have thought he'd jump at the chance to get such a high profile spy.'_

"I'm sure."

"There's no going back after this."

"I know."

Dumbledore sighed again and for a moment, Draco could see every wrinkle and shadow on his old face.

"Very well. I shall call an emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and we shall talk more then. I must warn you that certain members will take some convincing of your true loyalties to our cause."

"I have enough evidence." said Draco darkly. "You trust me though do you sir?" suddenly this seemed very important to Draco. Dumbledore stared at him for a long time.

"Yes, I do. I would like you to speak with Professor Snape before the meeting as well."

"Yes sir." Draco had also expected this. He'd long known of his Potions master's affiliations to the dark side.

"Sir, I have one condition."

"Yes?"

"I never want Potter to find out about this."

"As you wish. Thank you for this Draco."

"You're welcome." As Draco was leaving, he heard Dumbledore mutter,

"Another young life. When will this end?"

**************

Draco left Professor Dumbledore's office with a heavy heart. He had just betrayed his father and everything he had been brought up to believe in, and now he was scared. He wasn't sure he had done the right thing. He knew he had good reasons for turning away from the path set out for him by his father, but had he had to twist the knife after already burying it so deep in Lucius' back? With any luck Lucius would never find out what he had just done. However, his actions in the future were another matter entirely.

Draco was walking back towards the dungeons. He was lost in thought and waling fast, it was after hours and he didn't want to have to answer any of Filch's awkward questions, when an arm snaked out and dragged him behind a suit of armour. He managed to stifle a startled yell when he saw the owner of the arm. It was Potter, staring suspiciously at him and looking as gorgeous as ever.

"Jesus, you scared the crap out of me!" Draco proclaimed in an indignant voice.

"Why were you in Dumbledore's office?" asked Potter. _'Straight and to the point, I see.'_ Draco raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore the way his pulse was racing slightly too fast just from being near him.

"Excuse me?" he asked, polite but cold. Perfect poker face.

"I know it was something important" he said, his tone challenging Draco to deny it. "He made me leave so he could talk to you. I saw you go in. He never _makes me leave."_

Draco kept his eyebrow raised. _'How did he know I was coming?!'_

"You were spying on me?" he smirked. It was getting more and more difficult to keep up his care-free façade.

"No." said Potter slightly too quickly. His cheeks took on a distinctly pink shade. _'Oh now that's just too adorable.' Attempting to retain his calm exterior, Draco leant in to Harry and whispered,_

"I never knew you cared." And then winked in what he knew was an extremely infuriating manner. Potter's eyes locked with his and Draco could see him fight to keep control. Potter took a step backwards, took a deep breath, and his composure returned.

"What were you talking about that was so important?" he repeated.

"That, Potter, is none of your damn business." Said Draco, who was furiously trying to remind himself of his resolution to distance himself from Potter. It was becoming very difficult. _'You know it will end badly. You know there's no other way. Stop it before it begins.'_

"Was it something to do with the Order?" asked Potter sharply. Draco hesitated, he didn't want to lie, but he couldn't simply tell him the truth. _'Why can't you lie? It's those damn eyes again.'_

"I-" but Draco was cut off by the sound of quick footsteps from the end of the corridor.

"Shit!" said Potter, looking around. "It's Filch. Quick, come here before he sees us. I can't afford to lose any more house points!" He'd pulled a shimmering cloak from his pocket and had draped it over his shoulders. Draco gasped when suddenly all he could see was Potter's head.

"Hurry!" whispered Potter urgently and he held the invisibility cloak open. Never one to miss an opportunity, Draco grinned and stepped into the confines of the cloak. Filch was getting nearer and they could now hear him calling for Mrs Norris. Potter stifled a gasp when he saw the cat standing behind Draco, staring at the spot where the two boys had just disappeared. 

However, all of this had become background to Draco when he stepped into the cloak. Large as it was, it simply wasn't made for two sixteen year old boys and they were forced to stand chest to chest, almost forehead to forehead. Draco felt like he was completely surrounded by Potter; his breath, his smell, his skin. He'd never been this close to him before, and it felt so new and familiar at the same time. Potter smelt like vanilla and soap, but mostly of something distinctly _Harry; it was the pure definition of him and was completely indescribable. Draco could hear Filch's voice in the background coming nearer, and he saw Potter listening intently, looking concerned. _

He shifted slightly and tilted his head, getting Potter's attention. For an infinitely long moment they simply stared at each other, Filch's voice drifting away to nothing as he drowned in warm green pools of light. The temptation was too much. Draco saw fear and indecision flicker through Potter's eyes, so he lifted his hand and cupped his cheek, stroking softly. _'Just this once' Draco promised himself. Potter continued to stare, seemingly puzzled, and then he turned his head so that his lips were on Draco's palm, kissing gently. The friction caused by this simple movement made his lower stomach spin. Potter turned his infinite eyes back and moved closer. Draco felt so tense he couldn't breathe, and he couldn't wait any longer. He put his hand on the back of Potter's neck and pulled him in._

He could feel Potter's ragged breath on him as their lips finally touched. Draco hadn't been prepared for the sublime nature of just the softest touch of lip on lip; Potter's lips on his. He could barely move or think. Tremulously, he let his tongue trace along Potter's lower lip, gently tasting. Potter opened his mouth and, achingly slow, they began to explore one another's mouths; tasting tongues, teeth, gums, and trying to familiarise themselves with every inch.

It seemed to last for an eternity, but not long enough. When Draco finally reluctantly prised himself from Potter's lips, he looked around to find that Filch and Mrs Norris were long gone. He turned back sadly and took his hand away from Potter's, where their fingers had intertwined. He touched his lips thoughtfully, still tasting him there. _'The first and last time.'_ Then, with the largest amount of self-control and strength of character ever shown by a Malfoy, he whispered,

"Harry, we can't do this. You know it's better this way. Just so you know though, I really wish things were different. I'm sorry."

Then he just turned and walked away.

**********

_Killing me over and over._

_Just one touch and I'd be lost,_

_Floundering in everything that's you._

_You torture me with smiles and tears,_

_Waiting for me to give in;_

_Knowing that I never will._

_Self-denial is the price I pay,_

_I said too much_

_Making you turn away from me._

_I'm the poison that killed us,_

_Before we even began._

_Just one touch and I'd be lost,_

_Floundering in everything that's you._

A/N: thank you so much everyone that reviewed! I'm in double figures now! Yeah!!! OK that sounded really pathetic. Don't forget to review this time, do I sound desperate?


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 6**

Softness surrounding me, like a lullaby sung from angelic lips. Rich harmonies with deep, resonating undertones. My movements are slow and sluggish, and I can't move any faster because that would break the spell.

Softness enveloping me, flowing from feather-light touches that escape my reach. Every brush of your skin against mine sends echoes that spread to my fingertips and then drip off them, seeping into the air around us.

I'm living through your breath on me; it's all I can hear. Each moan that escapes your lips fills me with an ecstasy no man ever felt before, sending urgent signals to my brain and body. Tears fall unbidden from my eyes as the beauty stares adoringly at me.

I dreamt of you again last night and all there was, was silence. Silence roaring in my ears until I couldn't take it anymore, and I woke. I'll dream again of you tonight. Dreams of pure falling petals, shadowed by death and soaked in the blood you stole from me.

One day, I may have a happy dream of you.

One day, the darkness will go away.

One day, you won't leave after kissing me. I can still taste you.

**********

Draco was now officially in hell. He'd let his guard down and kissed Potter, in the vain hope that it would relieve the intensity of what he was feeling. It hadn't worked, because now he had the memory of the softness of Potter's lips on his, the way his body had felt, pushed against his; yearning and straining for more. Now Draco had to deal with immensely pleasurable but frustrating fantasies about what may have happened if he hadn't pulled away. He knew he'd done the right thing, but that didn't help with the new sensory memories he now had. He shouldn't have kissed Potter.

To make things worse, he now had to go and see Snape. He really wasn't in the mood to relive the previous summer, but he knew Snape would ask. He sighed as he made his way to Snape's office, his mind full of the memories of Potter's lips from the night before. He knocked gently on the door, vaguely hoping that Snape had forgotten their meeting and he would be able to return to his room, so he could pace and snap at people like he had been doing all day.

"Come in." _'No such luck then.' He thought gloomily. He opened the door and visibly grimaced as he entered. He would never get over the horrific décor of this office. _'Why does Snape find it necessary to surround himself with such gruesome objects?'_ he thought, as he noted some new additions to the collection. He had a huge respect for the man, but he __really needed to hire a decorator._

"Good afternoon Mr Malfoy." said Snape, not bothering to get up from behind his desk.

"Hi sir" said Draco nervously. Now that he was here, he really just wanted to leave.

"Professor Dumbledore has been to see me." Snape began. "He thought you might benefit from talking to me."

"Oh, yes. OK."

"Well?"

"Er, well what sir?" Snape sighed and his shoulders sagged visibly.

"Mr Malfoy, Draco, we are going to have to learn to trust each other."

"I do trust you sir" answered Draco truthfully. "I'm just not sure what you want to know." _'Oh yes I am. I just want to see if you're brave enough to ask me. Here's where I see if he really trust me.'_

"I see." said Snape. "I have been informed of certain changes in your, shall we say, attitudes towards certain political issues. Would you like to inform me of the reasons for this? I say this in the hope that you are not about to violate everything that Lucius has brought you up to believe in, merely on a whim."

"Why do you do it?" Draco was pushing Snape farther than he had ever thought he was brave enough to do. Snape flinched at his question, clearly not expecting it.

"Why do I do what?" he asked icily.

"I know that you're a Death Eater. I also know that Voldemort doesn't trust you as far as he could throw you and trust me, I've seen his arms, that's not far. They're using you as a pawn in their master plan and you need another spy. Do you think my father tells me nothing?" Snape appeared to consider Draco for a long time, and his response was cagey to say the least.

"Professor Dumbledore appears to trust you, despite your family's well-known affiliation with the dark arts. I have been your head of house for over five years now, and it is plain to me that the physical likenesses you bear to your father are where the similarities between you end. You have a mercenary nature Draco; you are out to look after yourself and your own interests. I fail to see how betraying your father can be anything but totally against your own nature." Snape was testing him and Draco knew it, he just wasn't sure what the correct answer was. He had never considered Snape to be particularly astute when judging the characters of those around him, but the accuracy of his description stunned him.

"It's a long story." he said sullenly.

"Well luckily for you, I have plenty of time" said Snape silkily.

"It's because of my wish to protect myself that I feel I have to do this." Draco began. "Voldemort has already affected my life. Changed things; changed me; destroyed the only truly beautiful thing in my life. I've met some of my father's friends; they're all Voldemort sympathisers you know. Some of them were so consumed with hate and bitterness they couldn't think straight; didn't understand even the smallest consequences of what they were doing. Voldemort did that. I don't want it to happen to me. I don't want him to destroy my life as well. If that means defying my father then so be it. I really am the only one who can help you now." he finished defiantly. Snape was silent for a while, then he looked Draco straight in the eye.

"What happened to you over the summer Draco?" he asked quietly. _'Dumbledore must've told him.'_ Draco thought numbly. He looked away as the memories flickered through his mind's eye. He felt sick and dizzy, his throat constricted.

"It's…the memories they're…" he whispered. Understanding flashed over Snape's face. Draco realised that Snape had probably seen and done things much worse than he had, and he had to face those memories every day. He drew strength from the though that it was possible to carry on and began to speak.

**********

Darkness surrounded Harry. 

He didn't know where he was. He'd spent the afternoon blindly wandering through the halls of Hogwarts. He hadn't bothered with his lessons; Professor Binns wouldn't miss him anyway. The room he was in had no windows. It was dark and dusty, smelling slightly of mould. The walls were a dark green colour, and they reminded him of Draco. Everything seemed to remind him of the blond boy. The night before he'd wondered numbly back to his dorm, no longer caring about getting caught, no longer caring about the world outside. He didn't care that Lupin was dead, he didn't care that there were things that people weren't telling him. All he could think about was Draco. Draco's lips against his, Draco's body. His hot breath on his skin and the way their hands had fitted so perfectly together. He'd never known something to feel so right but so wrong at the same time.

He'd fallen asleep there and now had no idea what the time was. He didn't care. He hadn't seen Ron or Hermione all day. He hadn't been to visit Hagrid in days. He hadn't heard from Sirius. He didn't care about any of these things. He sat in a daze, not really thinking. Staring into space and trying to ignore the pain. He wanted to go back to that moment in the corridor with Draco, when he'd turned away from him; said those things to him. He wanted to shout and scream, proclaim his love, say something, anything that would have made him stay. Then he realised that nothing he said would have made any difference. Draco had made up his mind that this was all for the best. He was going to walk away from this without ever knowing what could have happened. Deep down though, Harry knew what would happen; he knew it just as well as Draco did and it was killing him. 

Voldemort had tainted their world. Without even knowing it he'd destroyed Harry. Harry was meant to be the strong, fearless hero; the one to save the world and every other cliché in it. Draco was destined to be a Death Eater. He would follow in his father's footsteps because it was his duty and there would be nothing Harry could do to stop him. Not even love could save him. Draco had been raised to believe in Voldemort's ridiculous dogma, he'd been indoctrinated with ideals which preached violence and hatred and there was nothing Harry could do. Draco knew it. Harry knew it. Eventually, it would destroy them because there are some things that love cannot conquer.

Darkness surrounded Harry.

**********

"Lucius. You were successful?" the high-pitched voice grated on Lucius' mind.

"Yes my lord. I have the ring."

"And it will work? You are sure of this?"

"Oh yes. It will work. All you need is Potter's blood." Lucius couldn't help but keep the self-satisfied lilt from his voice.

"And I hope that will not be a problem."

"Oh no. My son is well placed to perform that simple task."

"And I presume there is no need to doubt your son's loyalties to me."

"Absolutely not. He has been…well trained."

"I'm sure he has Lucius. My faithful servant." The voice hissed. A greying hand gripped the old, straight-backed wooden chair as the thrill of Harry Potter's impending demise ran through him.

"In a month's time, the Order of the Phoenix will be no more and Harry Potter will be dead." 

"And my son? What of Draco?"

"If he proves himself worthy, he will become one of my most trusted followers."

Lucius couldn't help the smile that spread across his cold features.

**********

_Such utter sadness pervades my being._

_Melancholic sounds filled with pain_

_Sooth my heart._

_Stubbornly, my blood continues to flow_

_Oblivious to the screams_

_Continuing the agony._

_I remember everything about you._

_How you ripped out my heart_

_Then locked it away._

_The climax is reached, the music is finished._

_The audience has left._

_All that remains is you. And me._

A/N: I'm just writing faster and faster aren't I? Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, especially those who said I deserve more recognition. I think so too!! I need, just NEED those reviews to boost my confidence! Only joking, it just brings a smile to my face knowing that at least some people are enjoying what I write. One question though, do you ever think it feels a bit confused or rushed? I can't tell.

And Caitlin sweetie, I'm sorry but the ending's still gonna be the same. I'M SORRY!!

Reviews are always welcome…go on, you know you want to.


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

This one's all about Draco. Don't worry, Harry will be back in the next one!!

**Chapter 7**

"Last summer my father, Lucius, he decided that it would be prudent to introduce me to the more, erm, _colourful_ aspects of his life." Draco had completely given up on trying to retain eye-contact with Snape. Instead he stared at a point on the wall to the left of Snape's head, memorising every crack.

"I met many of my father's oldest acquaintances; sat in on their meetings, listened to their ideas and opinions. I never knew humans had such a capacity for hate."

"Neither did I." said Snape quietly, who had been sitting, unwilling to break Draco's flow.

"I think what amazed me most, was the fact that _even there_, everything revolves around Potter. Every plan, no matter how far-fetched, is about getting at him! It's as though there's a whirlwind around him and nobody can help but get drawn in, whether you love him or hate him! Not even I can resist." He said sadly. Snape looked up sharply but refrained from commenting, much to Draco's relief. Doggedly, he carried on his narrative.

"One night, father took me to another gathering. I didn't think it would be any different. There were a few more people there than I'd expected, but I wasn't concerned. We arrived late, mother had had a slight argument with a house elf you see and father spent ages trying to calm her down. Anyway, when we got there I could tell that many of them had been drinking, and God only knows what else." Draco's voice faltered as the memories rose once more. "Oh God…" he whispered.

"It's OK. Take your time" Snape looked concerned, but Draco was determined. It was better to get this over with now. _'I'll have to face up to it at some point.'_

"My father wandered off to another room to discuss tactics, and told me to stay where I was. He left me there." His voice trailed off again momentarily. "They paid little attention to me, for which I was grateful. I found their presence intimidating; I've never been good around drunk people. My mother, you know." Of course Snape knew, Narcissa's _problem_ was not a well kept secret.

"My father left me with them for over an hour. A lot can happen in an hour you know." he gulped.

"What happened Draco?" Snape's eyes were filled with understanding and sympathy. _'He can probably make a very good guess.'_ thought Draco bitterly.

"They started talking about Muggles and Mudbloods. Spouting out all that crap I used to believe in. I believed it because I trusted my father, you know? The more they drank, the more agitated they got. I could see things were going to get out of hand but what could I do? My father had told me to stay put. So I sat in a corner and watched it all happen. Just watched…" Draco sat down into his chair, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.

"One of the men, I'd never met him before, he apparated away. I thought he'd just gone home for the night; thought he was as fed up of hanging around with a load of drunk, potentially dangerous, middle-aged men as I was. But he came back. He brought a bundle with him which he untied and threw into the middle of the room. Everyone fell silent and I saw the excited looks on their faces, and knew I'd missed something. The most horrific dread built inside of me, and all I wanted to do was leave, but I couldn't. I was almost sick when I saw the bundle move and heard a sob.

It was a girl. She couldn't have been much older than I was. They took away her clothes and she was _covered_ in bruises, there was blood between her legs. She tried to cover herself and begged to be left alone. The man who'd brought her announced that she was a Muggle and that they would use her as an example to all the others. The scariest thing about him was that he was stone cold sober. They all crowded around her, jeering and laughing at her nakedness. A bunch of drunk men, a young Muggle girl and me, too frightened to move or defend her." The tears were streaming down his cheeks now as the memories invaded. Snape stared on, seemingly impassive and unmoved.

"I sat and watched them torture that girl for close to an hour. They took it in turns to use whatever cruel or disgusting curses they knew. Death Eaters can be very creative you know. She was beaten and tortured to within an inch of her life, and they didn't even give her the dignity of death. They just dragged her away somewhere and dumped her. At some point she stopped crying and screaming, just lay there waiting for it to end. I've never seen someone so utterly broken. She looked at me, and there was no life in her eyes. I looked away. I sat and watched that because I was too scared. I didn't try to help her because I was too weak. I didn't say anything when they took her away. When my father returned to take me home, I didn't tell him what had happened either.

I don't want to be made to feel that helpless ever again sir. I don't want to turn into something like those people. I don't want Voldemort to succeed."

**********

"My father wants me to be initiated into the Death Eaters at once. He said that it's time for me to be a man." said Draco bitterly. He had regained his composure now; had put back the walls that had momentarily crumbled. "He said he won't rest until his son has received the Dark Mark; his birth right. I can see no way out of it. I know too much about their movements. To refuse the Mark would be, fatal to say the least. At least this way some good may come of it."

"Do you fully understand the consequences of what you are volunteering for?" asked Snape. _'Why does everyone keep asking me that? Do they think I've learnt nothing?'_

"Yes. I will relay any and all information given to me about the movements and plans of attack. I will, if need be, relay false information back to them. I will become a Death Eater. I will stab my father in the back. I will turn away from everything I've ever known. If I am caught I will be killed and there will be no way for any of you to save me. I will receive no acknowledgement of the work I do for I must work in secrecy. I know what will be expected of me sir." Draco's voice was impassive. After the emotional outbursts of earlier, he felt numb; empty.

A haunted look cast over Snape's face, and again he was silent for a long time. Draco couldn't tell if he was thinking about what Draco had said, or was reminiscing on something completely different. Finally, in a quiet voice he barely recognised, Snape said,

"But do you think you are strong enough? The sights you witnessed were indeed terrible, but you will be subjected to much worse. You will be expected to join in. There will be tests to prove your loyalty. Are you prepared to do that? Are you prepared to pretend you are something you are not and do things that completely go against your principles? Are you that dedicated?"

"I'm aware of what I will have to do. I'll manage. I've been a fake most of my life, I'm good at it." _'I'm just not sure if my conscience won't kill me as well.'_ Snape then asked Draco the question he had been dreading.

"Why now Draco? This all happened so long ago." Draco took a deep breath and prepared to tell the only lie he would of the whole afternoon. He couldn't tell them about Harry.

"My father is pressurising me to come home. He is eager for me to receive the Mark. I've run out of time. I persuaded him to wait until the end of term, but I fear the initiation may begin over the holidays." _'In just over a week.'_ Draco shivered at the thought. Snape stared at him for a long time, and then nodded.

"Thank you for this Draco. I appreciate your honesty. I'm sure your help will be invaluable." Draco rose to leave.

"If you need to talk at any time, my door is open to you. I believe I have more knowledge of what you are expected to do than most. It will not be easy Draco, but don't let them break you. You must hold on to what is important to you and never let go." Draco nodded his thanks and quickly left the office, eager to get out of the oppressive atmosphere.

**********

As soon as Draco left Snape made his way to Dumbledore's office. As he walked he thought over everything Draco had told him. Memories of his own upbringing and his first exposure to the sordid world of Voldemort supporters threatened to resurface, but he pushed them back down forcing himself to think only of Draco. He was glad that his suspicions about the boy had been proved correct, as he had been trying to convince Dumbledore to approach him for months. However, he regretted greatly the ordeal which Draco had had to go through to reach the conclusions he had. He was also sure that Draco was hiding something. Something had happened recently; some change which had prompted his defection.

Dumbledore was pacing around his study as Snape entered, and he started at the interruption to his thoughts.

"Well?" he asked eagerly.

"He told me everything." said Snape, handing Dumbledore a small silvery ball. "The recording will tell you everything you need to know. Show it to the others, but don't make him repeat it to them. If they want proof it's all there. Don't make him go through it again."

"You still trust him?"

"Yes." Dumbledore sighed with a mixture of relief and sadness.

"Then it is done. He will help us."

"And probably die trying to save us all."

"We have no other choice and neither does he."

"There was something though. As you asked me to, I questioned him as to why now. I think he is holding something back. There's something that has prompted him to do this now. Do you have any theories?" Dumbledore cast his mind back to his conversation with Draco, a particular request came to mind.

_"I never want Potter to find out about this."_

Dumbledore had thought nothing of it at the time; had thought it was some twisted form of the Malfoy pride that Draco didn't want Harry to know. It would mean showing his weaker side. Could it mean more than that? Dumbledore had the nagging suspicion that he was missing something.

"No, not as yet. I'm sure all will become clear to us in the end though." he said, unwilling to voice his thoughts to Snape yet.

"When will you call the meeting?"

"Soon. It will have to be before the holidays so some time within the next week."

**********

Draco stared at himself in the mirror, taking in his pale reflection. He sighed and allowed himself to drown in his memories one final time. He saw his father, smiling as he held up his only sun on his shoulders. Draco was smiling and laughing as he stretched up his hands, trying to reach the sky. He'd asked his father what was up there, and he'd told him _"Everything you will ever want."_ He saw soft loving touches and glances between his parents, from times long ago when they still cared. He saw his father again, alone and unaware of his watching son. Lucius sat in the dark at a piano, seemingly mesmerised by the hauntingly beautiful piece he was playing. Draco imagined that he saw a single tear fall from his closed eyes and trace its way down his father's cheek.

The images from his childhood come faster and faster; blurred around the edges. Then the memories of that night come to him; sharp and too real. He can still smell the blood, still hear the screams and taunting laughter. He can still feel the pain as his nails dug into his palm.

Then he saw Harry, kissing him. The most painful image of all. Light engulfed them as they drew apart, and Draco could hear the screams again. And this time he could hear his own voice, mingled with the screams of the nameless girl.

He closed his eyes and the memories faded as he bid farewell to his past.

**********

_The white walls close in,_

_No thought can permeate what I have created._

_As the door shuts, I hear the lock click,_

_Imaginary or not, it still sounds._

_Escaping from its pull releases my true self,_

_But within I am…repressed._

_The fulfilment is taken away_

_And all I am left with, is me._

_My core self, complete with impurities._

_Complete with memories of forever._

_The burning fires surround me,_

_For this is my hell._

A/N: Thanks again for all the lovely reviews. I'm blushing. You're all too nice! I really should be working but this just keeps coming and coming! Oh well, sod the deadlines. lol!!

Reviews are always nice, but I'm not going to beg. (Please??)


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 8**

Harry woke with a start, breathing heavily and shivering uncontrollably. He couldn't remember what his nightmare had been about. He recalled pain, frantic movements, flashes of red and streaks of searing light, but that was all. His breathing slowed and he began to relax into the warmth of his bed. Recently, his frequent nightmares had been replaced by dreams of Draco. They were full of erotic images with disturbing undertones; he would see half of Draco's face, soft and smiling, but would then see that the other half was a blood-stained skull which opened its mouth and screamed at him. Blood; why were his dreams always about blood?

His mind drifted back to his latest nightmare and he wondered what had prompted it. _'Probably just nervous about the match.' he tried to tell himself. He was extremely anxious about it, more so than usual, because the Quidditch match later that day was against Slytherin. That meant facing Draco._

He'd spent the previous evening with Ron and Hermione, who had backed him into a corner and demanded to know what was wrong. It was a highly co-ordinated, full-frontal attack which they had planned meticulously. He wasn't surprised by it really; he'd missed lessons, skipped meals, avoided all contact with his friends and spent his evenings moping around the castle. It was no wonder they were worried.

He'd looked into their open, imploring eyes, and had completely failed to tell them what was wrong. He was being torn apart by his feelings for Draco. It had been so much easier when he was convinced that his love wasn't reciprocated. He could wallow in self-pity, admire from afar, look but not touch. Now it was so different; so much more difficult. Every part of him longed to touch Draco again. He'd long ago given up trying to deny his feelings; it was Draco he wanted and no-one else would suffice. However, he also knew he still had no choice, because Draco was too afraid to try and overcome the obstacles between them. Harry refused to be apathetic anymore; he was, at least, willing to try. He was now torn between wanting to kiss Draco, and wanting to punch him for being so weak.

Ron and Hermione would never be able to understand this; he knew that that was the stark and honest truth. He would never be able to tell them.

_*FLASHBACK*_

"Harry" Hermione sighed, speaking quietly so those around wouldn't overhear. Seamus and Dean were playing a boisterous game of Exploding Snap close by. "_Please just tell us what's wrong. You don't work, you don't eat, and you barely sleep. It's been like this for nearly a week. What's wrong?" Harry shifted guiltily in his chair. He hadn't known his behaviour had been worrying them _this_ much._

"It's nothing. Really."

"But you look so tired" she persisted, running a hand through her hair. "Is it…is it about Lupin?" She was trying to be delicate, and Harry knew he should feel grateful.

"Lupin? No, it's not about him."

"Then what is it?" she cried, exasperated, before remembering to keep her voice quiet. Harry didn't want to lie, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything so he just sighed and looked away. Hermione turned to Ron, begging with her eyes for support. Ron had been strangely silent so far, letting Hermione do the talking. He seemed to be preoccupied with something. Finally, he seemed to come to a decision, took a deep breath, and looked Harry straight in the eye.

"Who is it?" he asked softly. Harry stared at him, shocked. How could Ron possible know? Was he that obvious? He looked back at Hermione who looked momentarily perplexed, and the realisation dawned.

"Oh…" she murmured and looked sympathetically at him.

"W-what?" asked Harry.

"Who've you fallen for Harry? Who's hurting you so much?" Harry was frantically trying to think of some way of avoiding Ron's awkward questions.

"It's just…I…he…" he stammered, then gave up. "I don't want to talk about it." he mumbled, and promptly stood up and made a very swift exit through the portrait hole.

There was a momentary silence between Ron and Hermione, until Hermione, in a dazed voice, said,

"Did Harry just say 'he'?"

_*END FLASHBACK*_

Harry got out of bed and quietly went to sit at the window which looked out on the grounds of Hogwarts; resigned to the fact that he would get no more sleep that night. The soft noises made by his sleeping roommates seemed to comfort him. The sky was gradually becoming lighter at the horizon. Dawn was coming, gently spreading its warmth and light over the slumbering ground.

Harry had been very surprised by how accurate Ron's questions had been. He had a sneaking suspicion that Hermione may have somehow planted the initial idea in his head. Ron wasn't exactly known for his powers of deduction and Hermione had a very irritating habit of being hyper-aware of everything going on around her. Ron must have just put two and two together, incidentally landing bang on four, slightly quicker than her. Not something that happened very often. He allowed a smile to ghost over his face as he imagined his friends trying to work out his unfathomable love-life, when they couldn't see what was going on between each other.

Harry sighed as his thoughts predictably led back to Draco. Draco Malfoy; the boy holding his precious heart in his hands. He didn't know what to do about the situation he found himself in. It seemed that there was no way out for him because he was already in so deep. There was only one person who had the answers for him, and he needed to talk to him.

Harry waited until the sun was completely up before heading to the bathroom; trying to focus on the match ahead and not the smoothness of Draco Malfoy's skin.

**********

Harry ambushed Draco as he was slowly making his way back to the school after the match. The sun had set and the match had ended long ago. Silvery moonlight was shimmering in the air so that the wind tasted sinister. Everyone had gone back to have dinner, but Draco had preferred to stay back and wallow in his self-pity. He'd sat in the messy Slytherin changing rooms, looking at the puddles of water, dirty clothes and abandoned broomsticks, which were the only reminders that the room had once been full of energy and vibrant excitement. The silence there now somehow seemed wrong; out of place. There should be noise and laughter, joyful singing on another Slytherin success. The oppressive silence weighed on Draco's mind; he thought it echoed his current state of mind. He'd discovered what would truly make him happy, he should be rejoicing and revelling in the wonderment of utter fulfilment. Instead he was alone; his mind empty of all thought and only a vague feeling of disappointment to comfort him.

He hadn't expected to win the match; he'd known as soon as it kicked off that he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off Harry. He was so undeniably drawn to him that when he was anywhere in the vicinity, there was nowhere else he could look. How was he supposed to find the snitch when he was so distracted? The bitter rivalry with Harry on the Quidditch pitch which had spurred him on so many times before, failed to appear. His desire to win was over-ruled and trampled by his desire to make Harry happy. He hadn't been surprised when, 25 minutes into the match, Harry had pulled off a spectacular 30 foot dive and caught the damned flying ball. Draco had revelled in the excitement that had glittered on Harry's face; it had made suffering the jibes and bitter looks from his team-mates much easier. There had been a new determination in Harry that day, one which thrilled Draco to his core. He'd seemed so dedicated; completely single-minded in his quest for the elusive ball. Draco marvelled at Harry's self-control when he knew he must be feeling the same ache inside him that he was.

Harry dragged him into the empty Gryffindor changing rooms and stood looking at him with his hands on his hips.

"What is it Potter? Want to gloat? Because I don't really care." Draco tried to inject his usual drawl with the special form of sarcasm he reserved for confrontations with Harry, but it was obvious that his heart wasn't in it. Harry just carried on staring at him for a while, as though trying to figure him out.

"I don't want to gloat. I don't care about the match either."

"Easy for you to say when you won." He feathers ruffled even now.

"Yes I suppose it is."

A moment of silence; stillness where they could both see the dust floating between them. Harry took a deep breath and broke everything,

"Why did you kiss me last week?" Draco had no ready answer to this question; he was completely unprepared, so he told the truth. Plain and simple as it was.

"Because I wanted to; I needed to. Just so I would know what it was like." he said quietly.

"Why did you stop?" Harry's voice sounded so faint and rejected that Draco's heart would have broken right then, if it hadn't already been in pieces.

"Because I liked it too much." A moment of truth.

"That's not a good enough reason!" Harry's eyes were full of pain and Draco looked away because he couldn't stand it.

"Well you'll have to make do with it because it's the only one you're getting. Have you finished? Because losing to you at Quidditch is very tiring." He failed completely to put any strength behind his words. He was worn out and he had nothing left to give.

"I don't understand you. I know-"

"You don't know anything! You assume things about me! You think I'm evil, manipulative, untrustworthy. You don't understand me because you never tried." A moment of acute frustration with the world. Draco was getting angry.

"That's unfair! You never gave me the chance." _'God look at him, he's shaking…'_ Harry was trembling from barely controlled emotion. Draco was transfixed, but the fury was building in him. He didn't want to be angry with Harry; it wasn't his fault. He needed to get away.

"Look, let's just not do this. I shouldn't have kissed you. It was a mistake and I'm sorry."

"Don't say that. Don't _ever_ say that to me. I know you're not sorry and neither am I." Draco had meant to turn away and leave but Harry's words stopped him. As though moving on auto-pilot, they both quickly closed the gap between each other. Their lips came together in a crushing kiss that spoke of truth and obsession and painful, enduring love. A moment of passion, forever frozen in time. Draco remembered every inch of Harry's mouth and the heat began to rise in him. He knew they fitted so perfectly together, opposites that when brought together intertwined, melded, melted and formed something new. His hand drifted to the back of Harry's neck, whilst his others sought Harry's hand which he held onto tightly. Harry let out a soft moan and that simple noise jerked Draco back to reality with brutal force. He was wrenched back into a world of obligations and fear and suffering. He pulled away from Harry's delicious lips.

"How did this get so powerful and difficult to ignore so quickly?" He extracted himself from Harry's embrace and tried to ignore the hurt look in his eyes.

"It wasn't so quick" Harry whispered, his cheeks flushed. "It just took us a long time to see it." He began to lean in again to Draco, and he was so tempted. He could feel Harry's hot, moist breath on his lips, begging for permission that he wished he had the right to give. Draco turned his head away.

"Don't."

Harry took a step back, his face flushed with something other than the strength of Draco's kiss. His temper, so easily provoked, was quickly coming to the surface.

"What's the matter with you? Can't you see what this is doing to me?" he shouted, his voice breaking.

"Of course I can!" Draco shouted back. "You think I don't notice you? You think it isn't _exactly the same for me?"_

"No, I don't! If this was the same for you, you wouldn't be so afraid of trying! You would see it was worth it." Harry's words stung Draco.

"Look I-"

"You're just weak! A scared little boy too afraid to trust anyone." This was going too far for Draco not to respond. His barely repressed anger and frustration flared once more and this time he didn't try to restrain himself from aiming it all at Harry.

"What makes you think I've ever been given a reason to trust anyone?" He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I was _raised_ to be suspicious and overly careful. In my world, if you're not careful, you die! My father-"

"Don't bring that bastard into it! What does he have to do with this?" Draco bristled.

"Everything! And if you can't see that you're more stupid than you look." Draco had pushed Harry too far and he knew it. They were standing nose to nose, Harry was breathing fast and Draco's eyes were flashing. Predictably, it was Harry who threw the first punch. It connected with Draco's jaw and he staggered back, tasting blood. He regained his balance to find Harry bearing down on him. He was thrown into a locker, but was prepared to counter this time. As Harry neared him Draco lunged and they both crashed to the floor. Draco landed on top and he pushed himself up, leaning on his palms looking down at Harry. He tried to control his breathing and regain his composure whilst holding down a struggling Harry.

"Can't you see this isn't right?" he said softly, boring his empty gaze into Harry's fierce eyes. "We walk different paths in life. They're not meant to meet." Tears began to spill from Harry's eyes and Draco melted, letting go of his hold on him.

"No!" Harry sobbed. "I won't let you do this!" He violently pushed Draco's shoulders back, catching him off guard. Draco fell backwards and Harry leapt on top of him, pinning his wrists to the floor and straddling his hips. Draco gasped at the feeling of Harry's body above his and then turned his head away sharply.

"Just because your father sees it as your right and privilege to become a Death Eater, doesn't mean you have to. What do _you_ want Draco?"

"You." Draco whispered. A moment of frank honesty.

"You already have me." Harry said as he leant down and captured Draco's lips again. Draco breathed in the familiar scent of Harry, and gave in. Harry began to gently rock his hips and Draco gasped again, his eyes flew open and his head fell back. This was agony for him. Delicious agony. 

"Don't fight me Draco. You can't beat your own heart."

Harry continued his movements as he recaptured Draco's lips, pressing down harder and harder onto Draco. There was no answer Draco could give; he was lost in the simple pleasures of Harry's body on his. He felt his growing excitement and craved more. 

Then he remembered. He remembered what he had to do over the upcoming holiday; he remembered who he was.

"Get off me." Draco managed in a much stronger voice than before.

"What?" asked Harry, confused.

"I said get off me!" he shouted, struggling against Harry's hold on him. Harry released him, stood up and moved away, turning his back to Draco. Draco didn't think he'd ever felt so cold.

"It's not that simple. This isn't just about us. We can't frolic around, kissing and fucking in corners. We couldn't hide this. We both have responsibilities to bear. We were forced into this world but we simply have no choice but to carry on." Draco felt the pain that Harry clearly felt. A moment of pure agony.

"The only responsibilities you have are to that evil bastard who killed my parents!" There was the resentment and mistrust Draco knew was hiding just underneath the surface. _'If he thinks I'm capable of that, how will he ever believe that I'm able to love him?'_

"No, I have other burdens to bear. I'm alone and it was my decision to be this way. I have no choices left to make anymore. This is out of my hands. 'We' cannot happen. Too much has happened in the past and too much will happen in the future. There would always be a gulf between us and you would never trust me. Can't you see it would destroy us? We're too different, we've said too much, made different choices."

"This is already destroying me."

Draco's heart broke all over again.

A moment of painful realisation. A moment of true love. 

**********

_This was my fate. Can't you see?_

**********

_See the stone set in your eyes_

_See the thorn twist in your side_

_I'll wait for you_

_Slight of hand and twist of fate_

_On a bed of nails she makes me wait_

_And I wait, without you_

_With or without you_

_With or without you._

**With or Without you – U2**

A/N: Oh the trauma! I feel I'm being mean to poor little Harry and Draco. Oh well, they're there for me to torture. Well at least I'm not keeping you hanging as I'm such a good updater!! That's three chapters in four days I think!

Reviews, Reviews, Reviews…too single minded? All comments are appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

**Chapter 9**

Harry walked numbly back to Gryffindor Tower an hour later. He was unable to process all that Draco had said to him. He hadn't wanted to listen so he'd tried to silence him in the only way he knew how; with insults and kisses. He'd admitted everything to Draco, laid his soul bare, but Draco remained unmoved. His obsession was burning him up from inside.

As he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady he hesitated and almost turned around to leave again. It was a Gryffindor tradition to celebrate all Quidditch wins, and he knew he couldn't face it. He sighed as he muttered the password, 'frogs legs', and steeled himself to face his friends as the portrait swung open.

The loud, raucous cheer he'd expected didn't appear, so he entered the common room slowly, feeling very confused. Instead of the huge group of happy, laughing people he'd expected, there were only a few people dotted around the room, looking bored. Some of them looked up to see who had come in, but they turned away again just as quickly. Harry stood and stared for a while, feeling slightly put out at this blatant lack of acknowledgement. He made his way to his room, intending to go to bed and wallow in self-pity. He opened the door to his room, head bowed and shoulders slumped, only to be suddenly gripped by the arm and forcefully dragged into the room.

"Harry! Where have you been?! We've been waiting for you for ages!" Seamus stood, beaming at Harry. Shocked, Harry stared around the room to find that it was rather more full than usual. His roommates were there, accompanied with Hermione, Ginny, Colin Creevey, Lavender and Parvati.

"Congratulations on the win!" Seamus continued, oblivious to Harry's previously miserable countenance upon entering the room.

"Urm…thanks." said Harry hesitantly, overwhelmed by Seamus' boisterous personality.

"Now, we've all noticed you've been a bit down lately, don't worry we won't ask." Seamus gave Ron a conspiratorial wink; he'd obviously been warned off questioning. Harry gave Ron a grateful smile. "We were going to do the whole Gryffindor piss-up celebration like normal, but we decided to go for something slightly, only slightly mind, less adventurous this time. We've got food, booze, good company and…" with a graceful wave of his wand "…music!" Music began blaring, seemingly coming from nowhere. "New spell I learnt." he said proudly.

Harry sat down weakly on his bed. "Thanks a lot guys, but I really just wanted to go to bed." _'And cry.'_ He had to raise his voice slightly so he could be heard over the music. At this point, Ginny moved from her seat next to her boyfriend Colin Creevey, to sit with Harry on his bed. She took his hand and looked him straight in the eye.

"Harry, we don't pretend to know what's wrong or why you're feeling this way, but we just wanted to show you that we care. We're all here for you, and look upon this as our concerted effort to take your mind off it." Harry was suddenly filled with a warmth he hadn't felt…_'since Draco kissed me'…in a while. A genuine smile found his lips for the first time in weeks as he stared around at his friends._

"Wahey!" shouted Seamus. "Now let's dance and get pissed!" With that he grabbed Hermione and started dancing in a strange, jerky manner.

"Thanks Ginny." Harry murmured. "Has he been like that all evening?" he asked, gesturing at Seamus, who had now started downing bottles of butterbeer.

"God it's been awful! He's been over-excited all night! I think someone let him have sugar again. We thought you'd never get here!" Harry laughed and leant back against his head-board to survey his smiling dancing friends.

**********

Draco returned to the cold, dark Slytherin dungeons. He received cold stares from the other Slytherins in the common room and there was no-one in his room to comfort him. Slytherins didn't hold with having close friendships; they all learnt early on that being alone was better. If you want friends, you talk to the Gryffindors. Slytherins are solitary creatures, functioning much better when they had only themselves to think about. Draco didn't have any close friends to recognise that he was becoming depressed. He had never allowed anyone to get close enough to him, so nobody saw the warning signs. Being alone with his thoughts was all he'd ever known. He'd found it easier to work things through on his own, but he was now beginning to regret some of his choices. Sometimes, loneliness can be the worst thing in the world.

He sighed and fell onto his bed, covering his eyes with his arm. His mind drifted again to Harry, and he let out a strangled moan. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to deny himself the happiness he knew he deserved. He'd never felt anything like what Harry did to him. When Harry smiled at him he was floating, and when he'd seen the tears in Harry's eyes that night, and known that he was responsible for them, he felt crushed. His most vivid memory of that evening, was Harry's tears. Draco hadn't allowed himself to cry over his dilemma with Harry. He'd never seen the point in crying; what use did tears have? It never solved anything, and only made your face unsightly and puffy. Now, though, he simply couldn't hold it back. He desperately wanted to get angry; to shout and scream, but he simply couldn't. He felt a prickly sensation behind his eyes and knew he couldn't hold it back any longer.

Draco cried for himself and he cried for Harry. He cried out of frustration and resignation of his fate. He cried for his lost childhood and for the nameless girl he hadn't been able to help. He cried for loss of innocence and joy, and for a twisted world that prevented him from being with the one he loved. His thin body was wracked with heartfelt sobs that seemed to be breaking him apart. He unravelled his suppressed pain and revelled in it. He let every self-deprecating thought he had ever had, surface and taunt him. He thought of every hurtful thing he'd ever said to Harry and his friends; every barb that lengthened the void between them, and cried even more.

Now he'd started crying, he didn't think he'd ever be able to stop.

**********

Harry tipsily stumbled into bed several hours later, feeling much happier. He'd been genuinely touched by his friends' efforts in cheering him up, and even Seamus hadn't irritated him as much as usual by bouncing around drunkenly. He'd laughed and joked with everyone and for once, hadn't felt like he'd been pretending. It was only now that he appreciated the true value of friendship.

Then he began to think about Draco, alone in the cold dungeons with no real friends to help him, and tried to feel angry. After their confrontation, he'd been filled with bitterness towards Draco. He'd broken his heart. In that final moment, he'd realised that they would never be together, because Draco simply wouldn't allow it. He would deny his feelings and Harry's simply through strength of thought. _'Well he may be able to ignore this, but I can't. I won't.'_

Harry tried to feel angry and bitter and hurt, but he couldn't. He loved Draco too much to hate him for what he'd done. Harry found himself feeling intensely sorry for the boy. His mind had been so twisted by his father and Voldemort, that he couldn't accept love. He thought he was helping Harry by keeping them apart and couldn't see that he was hurting himself even more. A tear ran down his cheek and he cried for Draco's loss and his own.

"Harry?" It was Ron, the only one still awake in the room. His head poked round the curtains of Harry's bed. "Harry, what's the matter? Why won't you tell me?"

"Ron?" said Harry faintly, before dissolving into more painful sobs. Ron sat down on Harry's bed and pulled the curtains closed. He pulled Harry towards him and held him. 

"It hurts so much." Harry whispered, almost incoherent now. "I want to hate him, but I can't. I just, I want…" his voice trailed off when he realised what he'd said. Ron looked down at him kindly and said,

"It's OK Harry. Really, it's OK." With his eyes and words, Ron gave him his full acceptance. "Will you tell me who he is?"

"I can't. I'm sorry but it's just, complicated." Ron nodded.

"Does he love you?"

"Yes. I know he does, but he says there's too much between us. He thinks it would never work and we'd hurt each other. But Ron, it hurts me even more like this! I can't make him see. He's so caught up in the past and politics. He focuses on everything that's been said, when he should see that it's what _will be said and what happens now that's important. This is so fucked up! Why can't I make him see?" Harry buried his face in his hands._

"Harry, if he loves you enough, he'll see."

They sat in silence after that as Harry mourned his losses. Ron stayed with him and shared in his friend's pain, until he heard Harry's shaking sobs recede slowly into steady breathing, then he left his friend and went to find Hermione.

**********

Ron had woken Hermione and they were sitting in the deserted common room. He'd lit a fire and they sat comfortably in its warmth.

"What did you want to talk about at this hour Ron? Are you drunk or something?" asked Hermione, slightly perturbed at being pulled out of bed at this hour.

"No, I'm not drunk, but I need to talk to you about something important." His serious tone silenced Hermione, and she wondered what was wrong.

"I was talking to Harry just now. We were right you know; there is someone, some boy, and he's really gotten to him."

"Oh dear. Poor Harry."

"The thing is," Ron carried on slowly, picking his words carefully. He was aware this was one of the most important conversations he would ever have and he didn't want to mess it up. "He said some things that really got to me. This boy is denying his feelings because he's scared, but he's hurting Harry. It made me realise, that I was doing exactly the same thing." Now he looked Hermione straight in the eye. She held his gaze, and smiled.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore Hermione. You shouldn't hurt the ones you love." Hermione's heart leapt at his words and she smiled even more.

"I don't want to hurt you either Ron. People shouldn't avoid love just because it's scary. They should embrace it."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**********

Loneliness can be many things. It is every fibre of your body wanting to be with that one person who really means something. It is feeling so alone that you feel as though you can't take it anymore. Every song you hear has a meaning that reminds you of everything that you want to forget. Loneliness is sadness, in its ultimate form. It is seeking for meaning in places where there is none. It is crying in your room when you should be out having fun. But most of all, loneliness is life.

Loneliness is terror, bearing down on my soul. It is sorrow, for all those things you regret. Loneliness is aching to tell, with nobody to care. With defences crumbling, confusion raining down. Until all I have left, is loneliness.

Light and dark separate. My vision of an impassable void haunts me. I'd build a bridge across it to get to you, but I have nothing to hold the bricks together with. We'd meet in the middle and the bridge would collapse around us. I want you so much, but it's too hard to go back. Could we really erase everything? I'm not so naïve as to believe this.

The darkness is pulling me in Harry, and I don't want to take you with me. I'll be a Death Eater soon and there's nothing you can do. I really have made my choice. The sad thing is, I know that it will kill me. I'm not the person they want me to be, but I have to pretend. But there was no other way, can't you see? I had _no way out. I curse the world that forced me to do this._

However, I'm a Malfoy and we don't give up. The irony is, I have to give up on you. This will hurt me more than you'll ever know my love. You will be able to move on and love again. You offered me the world, and I gave it right back to you. I'm hurting myself to help you. I love you more and more every day, but I'll deny with a strength I never knew I had just to save you. My strength is you; looking at you, the memory of your skin. With those simple kisses we've shared, you've become a part of me. You're the hollow in my palm, you're the skin that meets my nails, you're the scar on my thigh. You took away a part of me, and gave me yourself in return. I'll save you from me.

This hurts more than anything I've ever known, and inside my tears for you really will never stop. The pain is burning me up from inside, with a fury I've never known. Not even in my darkest moments did I ever experience anything like this; and it terrifies me. Strangely, it will be this that drives me on; that helps me with the path I've chosen. I will become a spy, I will die for the cause, and I will mourn our loss for the rest of my days; the torture that is your memory will never fade.

**********

_The fountains mingle with the river_

_And the rivers with the ocean,_

_The winds of heaven mix forever_

_With a sweet emotion;_

_Nothing in the world is single,_

_All things by a law divine_

_In one another's being mingle-_

_Why not I with thine?_

_See the mountain's kiss high heaven_

_And the waves clasp one another;_

_No sister-flower would be forgiven_

_If it disdain'd its brother:_

_And the sunlight clasps the earth,_

_And the moonbeams kiss the sea-_

_What are all these kissings worth,_

_If thou kiss not me?___

Love's Philosophy – Percy Bysshe Shelley

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, the next chapter might not be for a while, I've got exams !!!!

Palantiriell: Don't cry!! I didn't mean to make you cry!

Quasy: I think you're right, Draco is very scared of happiness, but I think he also wants to protect Harry. Ahhh so sweet!

Beautifulelf: thanks for all your reviews.

Everyone else, you're making me blush, you're too nice! Be prepared for lots more angst…


	10. Chapter 10

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

Didn't take as long as I thought, aren't you lucky??!

**Chapter 10**

****

Harry woke suddenly the next morning. He sat up straight in bed and wondered why bright sunlight was streaming into his room. It was then that his headache hit him. He shut his eyes and slowly sank back into his bed, vowing never to drink again. He let his mind drift, and slowly the events of the previous evening came back to him. He sat bolt upright when he remembered his talk with Ron. _'Oh. My. God. I didn't. Oh shit, I really did.'_ He groaned and covered his head with his pillow, willing the memory to go away.

It was then that Ron and Hermione both bounded into the room.

"Hi Harry!" said Ron in a loud voice that made him flinch. "How's the head?" Harry groaned again and lifted his pillow off of his head.

"What time is it?"

"Nearly lunchtime. It's about time you surfaced!"

"What?! Why didn't you wake me? I missed breakfast and a whole morning's lessons! Oh shit!" Harry was frantically trying to wrestle himself out of bed, somewhat hindered by the fact that his legs had somehow gotten tangled with his sheets.

"Relax! It's Saturday and the first day of the holidays." said Ron, pushing him gently back down.

"Oh Harry you won't believe it though!" squealed Hermione, in a tone very unlike her normally serious voice. "At breakfast, before everybody left, Dumbledore announced that there's going to be another ball! A Summer Ball to help us all relax before the exams." This did not improve Harry's mood.

"Why are you excited about that?" he asked incredulously. "God I hate balls! All the stress of trying to find a partner and then having to dress up." Harry gloomily contemplated the prospect.

"Well actually," said Ron "Dumbledore said it wasn't essential for us to have partners. But…" he looked shyly at Hermione, who smiled and nodded. "I don't think me and Hermione are going to have a problem finding partners."

"What?" asked Harry suspiciously, then he saw the looks passing between his two friends and he broke into a huge grin. "Well finally! Took you long enough didn't it!" he exclaimed happily.

"We haven't told anyone else yet; we wanted you to be the first to know." said Hermione shyly, taking Ron's hand in hers.

"Well congratulations." said Harry, truly happy that his friends had finally seen the light; and each other.

There was an awkward silence between them, until Hermione got the hint and announced she was going to find Ginny to tell her the news.

"I'll see you later." she said, shyly kissing Ron goodbye. Harry smiled again.

"So." said Ron, sitting down on his bed and staring at Harry, who shifted awkwardly under his gaze.

"Yeah, about what I said last night…" Harry began nervously, but didn't know how to finish the sentence.

"You don't need to be embarrassed Harry" said Ron quickly. "I told you last night, it's OK." Harry sighed in relief.

"The thing is though, I don't think I'm gay. I mean, I've never thought about another boy like this before. I think it's just him."

"Harry, whatever you think you are, it doesn't matter. You're still the same person to me and I'll always be your friend. It's who makes you happy that's important. I'm worried about you though. It doesn't sound very healthy." Harry thought about this. He'd fallen in love with someone he was supposed to hate; someone whose father was allied with the man who killed his parents. He had to agree with Ron, it wasn't healthy. Ron didn't even know it was Draco and he could tell this wasn't good for him. That had to mean something didn't it?

"Is he here over the holiday?"

"No." said Harry quietly. "He's gone now."

"Well maybe it'll be a good break for you. It might help you sort a few things out in your head."

"Yes. Maybe." said Harry, thinking about what Draco had gone home to and whether he would be the same person when he came back.

**********

Draco leant his head against the window and felt the vibrations of the train running through him, soothing the pounding headache he felt behind his temples. He looked out of the window and noted the clear blue sky; another perfect day. It was stiflingly hot and he felt as though he was melting. The door to his empty compartment opened and he vaguely noted Pansy and Millicent entering. He didn't acknowledge their presence and they ignored him; recognising one of his bad moods. He carried on staring unseeing out of the window, not noticing the beautiful scenery that shone in the sunlight as the train sped past.

He let his thoughts wander, unwilling to let them settle on one thing for more than a moment. The heat seemed to be draining him of energy so that he could barely be bothered to even think. The stabbing pain in his head increased and he winced slightly.

He'd been like this all morning, since he'd woken up extremely early and found that he was unable to get back to sleep. In a daze he'd risen from bed, dressed and sat in the common room, staring into the empty fireplace and thinking how it echoed the state of his mind. He'd felt completely wrung out.

A few hours later, he registered that the other members of his house were all making their way to breakfast. He'd waited for Crabbe and Goyle and then made his way to the hall; dreading having to see Harry. As he'd entered the hall, his eyes had automatically drifted to the Gryffindor table as they so often did these days, and he'd immediately noted Harry's absence. 

Sitting at the Slytherin table he wasn't even able to muster the energy to eat. He sat, looking mournfully into his plate and playing with his food. He barely heard Dumbledore's announcement that there was to be a Summer Ball the day they came back from the holiday. He had, however, noticed Snape's almost imperceptible nod in his direction; an indication of his knowledge of what Draco's time at home was sure to contain. The man was wishing him luck. He'd received news from Dumbledore the previous day, just before the Quidditch match, that the Order had accepted his offer and there was no need for him to attend a meeting. His instructions for over the holiday were that he was to gain as much information as possible but to try and keep out of danger. Draco had found this slightly amusing when he considered any attempt to avoid direct contact with the Death Eaters and Voldemort was probably the most dangerous and suspicious thing he could do. He'd been surprised that the members of the Order, whose identities were shrouded in mystery to avoid discovery, had not demanded some kind of interrogation. He had a suspicion that Snape may have had something to do with this, and he was immensely grateful.

His eyes had constantly drifted towards the Gryffindor table throughout the course of the meal, but Harry still did not appear. He'd seen Granger and Weasley enter together, surreptitiously trying to hide the fact that moments before they had been holding hands. Draco deducted that, from the Weasel's flushed face, they had been doing something else as well. Nobody at their table seemed to notice. Draco had left the hall, resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to see Harry before he left, and wondering if this was a good thing or not.

He shifted and lifted his hand to open the window and a mass of noise entered the compartment, sending angry spasms through his head. He shuddered and shut the window again violently. Pansy and Millicent had turned to watch him.

"What?" he asked irritably.

"Looking forward to going home Draco?" asked Pansy in a knowing voice.

"It will be good to get away from Hogwarts for the time being." He said diplomatically, not wanting to give away his true feelings.

"Well from what I hear, your holiday is going to be full of…new experiences shall we say?" said Pansy, flashing him a smirk. Draco sighed inwardly; of course his impending initiation would be the latest gossip around the Death Eaters and their children. He could hear his father boasting now. Suppressing a shudder, he simply glared at Pansy.

"What? Not looking forward to it? I'd have thought you'd be honoured, you being so young and everything. You'll be the first of us you know?" _'And not the last.'_ thought Draco gloomily. He fixed Pansy with his most intimidating glare and she positively wilted underneath its force.

"Do you really think that this is a suitable conversation to be having _here_? Where anyone can hear? How stupid can you be?" Pansy huffed and stood up, clearly insulted.

"Fine, be that way. I was just trying to say that I'm happy for you and proud of your _achievement._" With that she flounced out of the room, with Millicent scuttling along behind in her wake. Draco turned away, disgusted. _Proud? Happy?_ His mood darkened as he contemplated his sorry fate. He closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep. Soon his exhaustion took hold, and he drifted into a fitful sleep full of the sound of his own voice screaming and pleading and crying.

**********

The dark hall echoed with his footsteps. No light had entered this place in centuries, and the air smelt musty and old. In his mind, he could almost hear the chanting monks, their glorious harmonies reverberating from the walls, sending praises to the heavens. Their plain-song filled his mind with haunting beauty. He could smell the burning incense, clouding his mind with memories of a time when he was great and powerful. The place felt dead now; mournfully gloomy. The silence was overwhelming. He glanced around at the impressive stone arches, rising high above his head. He knew it had taken the monks that had lived there hundreds of years to complete them, and they were perfect in every way. They would stand up to many more years of neglect. The ceiling was intricately carved with disturbing images, which entwined and blurred into each other. Children with wings and fangs, twisting and stretching their bodies around horrific monsters covered in blood. His eyes were drawn to the large alter that was the centrepiece of the hall, and he smiled evilly. It was black marble, looking scrubbed and clean, as though time could not touch it.

It was in this place, many years ago, where the ceremony had been conducted; his own private invention. Here he vowed to stick to his beliefs, to avenge his fore-fathers, to put right every wrong deed against his people.

It was here that he became the man he was, and it was here that Harry Potter would die.

Lord Voldemort turned and left the Temple of Souls, leaving only the dust to settle where his feet had been.

**********

Sometimes, a song can remind you of so many things, can make you ache so much that you cry. But then sometimes, nothing is right; nothing connects or makes sense. Everything you feel is disjointed; anger, but also sadness. Calmness so severe that it terrifies you. Something settles, but you don't know what. Craving silence; soft, calm, everlasting silence. Anything for the silence. You're falling but you know you'll never, ever land. There's nothing left worth anything, but the silence in the music. Behind and between the notes. Listen and you'll know where I am.

Beyond the horizon, I can see a face. I reach out, but it's not there. It was perfect. So perfect that it hurt. It was all I could see. Grey, crystal-clear, burning eyes; your eyes. They told me nothing, but everything. They reflected back my insecurities and added their beauty. I was captured by their passion, and then held by their pain; more than anything I wanted their pain. With pain comes passion and with passion comes beauty. Shining pure and true, with nothing to stand in its way.

Silence and beauty surrounds me, but I make them impure. My heart screams out loud, forcing sound from my lips, and that everlasting silence is broken. Your face disappears forever.

**********

Draco only woke when the train pulled into King's Cross that evening. He rose regally, straightened his shoulders, and stepped from the train. He scanned the crowds on the platform, and almost grimaced when he saw his mother and father waiting for him. Draco Malfoy was home, and his time had come.

**********

_Following the sounds_

_As they echo, over and over._

_Repetition degrades them,_

_But they're still the same._

_The same. Never changing._

_Never ending._

_Repeating my shame forever._

_Echoes of memories. Forever._

A/N: AAAHHHH!!! So many reviews! Thanks a lot! OK the next chapter will be about Draco's holiday, so lots more angst, sorry I like to torture them! I've got it all planned out, but I've just got to find time to write it. Bear with me! 

No clues about the ending, not even if you beg! It's going to be a surprise. 

**Slytherin-git****, ****Crystal****:** I'm not telling!! HAHAHA! You'll just have to wait and see I'm afraid. Glad you're enjoying it!

**Xirleb70:** *blush* you're too kind.

**Draconian, shadowcat, soulsister, Rachxx:** don't cry! Please! I'm happy it touched you so much though.

**Draconianas****:** I think they deserve to be together to! But life isn't always fair is it?

**Dracos_toy33:** cute image, it made me smile. Don't you cry too!! I might start to feel guilty!

**Moonchild:** I'm blushing. Thank you

**Max Kitten:** sorry but I'm not telling! Oh, and there's nothing wrong with being obsessed!


	11. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R, not really worth it yet but I'm anticipating events to come ;)

This one's long!!! To make up for the fact that you won't get much for a while! I've been neglecting my work and I have to do it all at once now!

**Chapter 11**

"I'm glad you decided to return home for the holidays Draco" said Lucius, giving his son a cold, calculating stare. Draco held his father's gaze willing himself not to look away. He'd been home for two days now and the inevitable 'talk' with his father was long overdue. He fidgeted slightly in his comfortable leather seat and dropped his eyes, looking around the impeccably decorated study.

"The next two weeks will be very busy for us." Lucius continued. "We have many guests to entertain. Also," here Lucius paused as though holding back some dreadfully exciting piece of information to prolong the suspense, "Our Lord has requested your presence at a small ceremony which is to be held the day before you return to Hogwarts. I'm so proud Draco, your time has finally come and the Malfoy legacy will continue." Draco's heart sank as the terror began to rise in his mind. His father was obviously waiting for some reaction from him, trying to maintain a steady voice and cool exterior, he said,

"Father, as enthralled as I am by this honour our Lord has seen fit to bestow upon me, surely it is slightly unwise for me to receive the Mark due to my position at Hogwarts." His diplomatic tone did nothing to calm his father's reaction to this. He rose to his feet and began pacing angrily in front of Draco.

"Don't even think about trying to refuse." he hissed. "I don't know why you seem so reluctant to take your place beside me! You will not embarrass me Draco." He stood still now, looking down at Draco with an icy expression. Draco was still struggling to remain calm. This was not going well.

"I don't mean to refuse when the time is right. This is not a matter of my loyalties or my wish to please you. I just feel that I may be more useful at Hogwarts, right next to Dumbledore. If I bear the Dark Mark, I may be discovered. I don't mean to disappoint you father." Lucius' face had soured even more at the mention of Dumbledore's name. He leaned in close to Draco and lifted his hand, palm up, level to the side of Draco's head. In a swift movement, he brought his hand to Draco's cheek, stopping just before making contact. Draco flinched, and Lucius smiled, patting his son's cheek softly.

"Very well." he said, breaking eye-contact and taking his seat again. "Besides, I believe our Lord only had a little test in mind for you. He's saving your initiation for a more special date."

"I'm honoured that he thinks so much of me." 

"Yes, you should be. It is because of me that you are even in such a privileged situation. So, is there any news from school?"

"No, nothing much is happening from what I can tell. There's going to be a Summer Ball the day we get back, something about helping us to relax before our exams." Draco forced sarcasm into his voice, aware that his father would very quickly be able to tell that he was lying if he slipped even slightly.

"Well, I'm sure your exams shouldn't be a problem. Besides, they are quickly becoming irrelevant, it is your skills in other, ah, areas that will have to be improved. And Mr Potter? How is our favourite Golden boy?" The derogatory tone to Lucius' voice was obvious. This was the biggest test of Draco's lying abilities. He let his face sour, adopting his patented sneer and put a bitter note in his voice.

"He is insufferable as ever."

"Good. Well, I will have a small job for you concerning him later." An evil smile crossed Lucius' face and Draco suppressed a shiver.

**********

Draco left his father's study, feeling exhausted by the verbal sparring. Conversations of this kind with Lucius were always more about what had been left unsaid, and Draco was very confused. All he knew was that he was going to have to be very careful to hide his feelings from his father. He had the feeling Lucius didn't quite trust him.

Draco returned to his room at the far end of the Malfoy manor, and sighed with relief when he closed and locked the door. He lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to sort out his thoughts. The guests were arriving the next day; a family from Switzerland with whom his father was hoping to solidify a friendship of sorts. Draco had never met them but he wasn't relishing the idea; he knew what kind of people they would be.

He slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming of Harry's hands on him; nails dragging down his back that opened his skin and made him bleed.

**********

The majority of the holiday passed fairly quickly and uneventfully for Draco. His father spent most of the time locked away in his study conducting highly confidential meetings with his 'associates'. Draco was not present at any of these meetings and his frustration at being kept out of the loop was building. He was beginning to think that his time at home was being completely wasted. His biggest problem was trying not to appear overly interested or eager to hear about Lucius' work. He had to be extremely careful not to draw too much attention to himself. However, with Voldemort's plans for him, he would have thought that Lucius would have let him become more involved.

Draco was becoming more aware of just how much time Lucius was spending on his 'work' and he was afraid that that meant there was some plan being brewed. Also, if his father's hints were anything to go by, this plan had something to do with Harry. This worried Draco immensely and made him even more desperate to find out what was going on.

The Berger family had arrived from Switzerland, and were apparently staying for the foreseeable future. Draco had immediately disliked Mr Berger and his wife. Mr Berger was a short, pot-bellied man with a moustache and no hair. He had looked like Draco as though he was the scum on the top of a pond and had refused to talk to him. Mrs Berger had an almost identical sour expression on her face as her husband, and she barely said anything. The Bergers had also brought their children with them. A daughter, called Angelina, who was ten and was constantly excited. Draco had instantly liked her and had spent many hours playing with her outside. She was fascinated by his tales of Hogwarts and had on numerous occasions expressed a wish to go there. This was impossible of course, as all Swiss children went to the same school: Straussenheim. Draco had heard many stories of this place and it sounded extremely unpleasant. He couldn't picture such a bubbly creature as Angelina there. 

The Bergers also had a son, Daniel, who was Draco's age. On first seeing him, Draco had been taken aback by how handsome he was. Daniel had sandy blond hair and pale blue eyes. He was tall, carried himself gracefully, and was obviously very interested in Draco. He hadn't taken his eyes off him the whole time when their parents had been talking. Draco, however, had sat and compared Daniel to Harry, and had found that, as beautiful as he was, Daniel just didn't measure up to. There was a fire to Harry that was intoxicating, and Draco found that Daniel missed this; he was beautiful but cold.

The first evening the Bergers had arrived, Draco and Daniel had grown bored of their parents' conversation and had decided to take a walk around the grounds. Angelina had long been in bed so Draco had to settle for Daniel's company. They had walked in silence for a while; Draco was staring at the stars, thinking about Harry and almost completely ignoring Daniel, who seemed entranced by Draco. 

"I expect you know why my father is here." said Daniel suddenly.

"Hmm? What? Oh yes." said Draco, pulled out of his reverie.

"Voldemort is very interested in our country, he wishes to expand his connections."

"Yes, so I gather." said Draco slowly, giving Daniel a calculating stare. They lapsed into silence again, but Draco was slightly more alert. Daniel was walking very close to him, and the backs of their hands kept brushing. They talked more for a while, but Draco grew bored. Daniel didn't seem to have anything interesting to say and, to be honest, he had a very boring voice. He bid Daniel farewell a few minutes later and vowed to try and stay away from him.

Avoiding Daniel however, had not been as easy as he had thought. His father had insisted that they spend time together, obviously thinking that this would somehow appease Mr Berger even more. Daniel had vaguely hinted about his interest in Draco, who had stoically ignored this and hoped he would stop it.

This holiday was becoming as tedious and fruitless as all the others.

**********

Draco returned to his room after dinner on the final night of the holiday feeling extremely nervous. His mother had been fawning over him all night, trying to get him to eat more and playing with his hair. Normally he would have just thought that she was trying to compensate for the fact that he was going away again early the following morning, but she was nervous as well. She knew what was going to happen tonight.

Contrary to the opinion of most at Hogwarts, until the previous summer Draco had lead a very sheltered life. His father had tried hard to protect him from the more gruesome aspects of his life and he had never actually met Voldemort. This was to be a milestone in his life as a Death Eater, and also his life as a spy. If Voldemort suspected even for a minute that Draco wasn't being completely truthful he would be dead within a second. Draco was under no false belief that his father would do anything to help him either. In his father's eyes it was time for him to be a man and stand alone.

Both Snape and Dumbledore had warned Draco that there would be tests of his loyalty, but neither had mentioned exactly what they believed he would be expected to do. As Draco slowly got ready to leave, vivid images invaded his mind, increasing the sense of horror that was building in him.

He really had no idea what was going to happen that night. He didn't even know where they were going. All Lucius had told him was to dress for outside. Draco assumed this meant that they were to Portkey somewhere.

There was another reason for Draco's anxiety. He hadn't been able to find out anything about Voldemort's plans. He was now sure that something was going on; his father was looking tired and strained from endless conversations with Voldemort and other Death Eaters, but also strangely excited at the same time. This look sickened Draco to his core. 

Tonight would be his last, and best, chance to find out anything he could that may be helpful. He would be sincerely glad to get back to the relative safety of Hogwarts; away from his father, the Bergers, Daniel and Voldemort, but he didn't want to be a disappointment. 

His mind wandered back to the ordeal he would have to go through that evening, and his hands began to shake.

**********

Draco met Lucius at the entrance to Malfoy Manor, still feeling very apprehensive about his first meeting with Voldemort. His father was oddly silent as they left, which made him even more nervous. There were no last minute instructions, encouragements or threats. Draco had expected all of this and more from his father, but he got none of it. Due to the protective spells surrounding the manor, they had to walk some distance before they could travel safely by Portkey.

They finally stopped when they reached a secluded spot, surrounded by birch trees. Draco felt hyper-aware of everything around him; he could smell the scent of lavender from a bush nearby, he could hear every bird singing and the rustle of every leaf. He was aware of the erratic beating of his heart and the sweat that was building at his hair-line. Lucius pulled out a fine, silver chain with a cross pendant attached to it. Draco stared at it briefly, wondering at the significance of it, and then touched the pendant, feeling the familiar tug at his navel. He was constantly aware of his father's presence at his side as he felt his feet leaving the ground.

When his feet touched solid ground again, Draco had to close his eyes to help him retain his balance. When he opened them again, he had to suppress a gasp. He was in what appeared to be a huge cathedral. The high ceiling was covered in intricately carved designs. There were faded tapestries on the walls, with vaguely familiar symbols on them, showing moons and stars. His gaze travelled slowly to the front, where a large marble alter stood, covered in dust. Standing before the alter, with his back to them, was a tall, thin man, dressed in long, black robes. At the sound of their arrival, he turned and Draco was pierced by red, shining eyes. Lord Voldemort. He gulped audibly and began to shake.

He felt a hand grip his shoulder, and Draco turned to his father, who was looking down at him with an unreadable expression on his face. He turned back to face Voldemort, who was approaching them.

"Lucius, Draco, welcome." he said. His voice was dry and cold; sounding like the thud of ancient tombstones.

"My Lord." said Lucius, bowing slightly. Draco just continued to stare. Voldemort ignored Lucius and looked intently at Draco again, who visibly withered and averted his eyes. The man made his skin crawl. His pallid skin seemed to hang from his face, and those eyes…

"Welcome to the Temple of Souls Draco." said Voldemort, spreading his arms expansively. "It's not at its best right now, having fallen into disrepair I'm afraid. In its day it was…magnificent. Do you know the story of this place?"

"No sir." said Draco quietly, willing his voice not to shake. "I've never heard of it before."

"Well of course you haven't. Very few people have." Voldemort began to pace, as he spoke in a slow, clear voice which echoed eerily through the hall. "Many centuries ago, a faction of monks lived here. They spent their time meditating; expanding their minds beyond the mundane. They achieved many great magical feats and were able to develop many amazing skills. They were admired and revered in the magical community of the time."

Draco took the time while Voldemort was talking to attempt to regain control over himself. He examined the way the man moved as he walked and talked. His movements were smooth and confident, and the power seemed to be oozing out of him. He could see how he managed to exert such control over people's minds. Draco had to keep reminding himself of the dangerous position he was in, and the necessity to monitor every word that came out of his mouth. Voldemort was no fool, and any slip would be fatal.

"Unfortunately," Voldemort continued, "those in the muggle community nearby were intimidated by their power. They feared something they had no way of comprehending. One night, some men from the village entered this temple and killed every monk as they slept. It was a massacre Draco. Vicious, bloody and completely unprovoked. There is a lesson to be learnt from what happened here, and this place has become an important symbol to me over the years."

"I see." said Draco, completely missing the point but not wanting to ask. Voldemort stopped pacing and faced Draco again. This time Draco didn't drop his gaze.

"Lucius!" Voldemort snapped suddenly, reminding Draco of his father's presence. "Go and retrieve the girl. You know where she is."

"Yes my lord." said Lucius, and left by a side door. Draco sent a confused look to Voldemort, uneasy at being left alone with him.

"Aah, don't worry, he won't be long. Now Draco, your father has assured me of your devotion to me, however I have some tests for you. You must realise that I will not tolerate weakness in my followers, and this is just a small test to prove your strength. I'm sure you will perform admirably." Draco's palms were sweating as numerous images passed through his head, each more horrific than the last.

Lucius re-entered the hall, his progress somewhat hampered now by the weight of the unconscious body of…_'Oh God…no…it can't be…'_

**********

Draco felt sick as the true horror of what he was seeing sank in. He stared at the body, recognising the face that had haunted his waking dreams so many times. He looked from the expressionless face of his father, to the glittering eyes of Voldemort, who was gauging his reaction to this carefully. He looked down at the body again and felt the panic rise in him. There could only be one reason why this person was here: they wanted him to finish it. This was beyond anything he had expected or thought he could cope with. His past was rising to meet his present, the two were entwining and in the back of his mind, the screaming voices started again.

"Yes, you recognise her don't you?" asked Voldemort, a sickeningly self-satisfied tone in his voice.

"How could I not." said Draco softly, he was trying to think fast; he needed to survive this but he was wondering at what cost. "But how?" Voldemort looked to Lucius, who was looking at his son.

"Everything is a test son." he said. "You just sometimes don't know it." The nausea rose again in Draco's stomach and he fought the urge to wretch, as he realised what his father had done. Amazingly, his face remained passive as he waited for Lucius to continue.

"Last summer was the last time you saw this girl. Since then, she has been held captive by me at the manor. We thought that, due to the way you reacted, it would be, ah, suitable for her to be present now. She suffered a great deal to be here today Draco, she should feel proud to be here for such a momentous occasion." Draco stared incredulously at his father, almost unable to believe what he was hearing. _'All this time she was there. All the times I've been there and I didn't know. God knows what they did to her…' He contemplated the girl in front of him; she was beyond thin, her skin was stretched taut over her bones and her hair looked thin and dry. Her nails were ragged and there was some slight bruising to her face. He tore his eyes away from her to look again at his father. _'Can this really be the same man that carried me on his shoulders when I was young and gave me everything I wanted? He protected me for so long, why is he doing this now? How could he do this to me?'_ Deep down, he realised that he had never truly known his father._

Voldemort stepped behind Draco, leaning over his shoulder and looking down at the nameless girl.

"This girl represents all that we fight against." Voldemort whispered in his ear. "She is a muggle, she had no idea that our world even existed. She is ignorant. She means nothing to us. We are above her._ She is your test Draco." Draco was vaguely aware of his father walking away, pacing to the front by the alter and calmly expecting one of the tapestries there._

"Wake her up Draco." Draco lifted his wand slowly.

"Enervate." he whispered, unable to believe that it had come to this. The girl's eyes sprang open and she stared around wildly. She stayed completely still as she tried to take in her new surroundings. Her breath hitched and increased in speed and her hands balled convulsively. Draco watched as her panic attack took hold of her, and forced himself not to look away as it subsided. As her breathing began to calm, her eyes turned to him. He flinched, but didn't look away; fortunately, Voldemort didn't sense it.

"Look at her Draco. You've seen her like this before, but you didn't like it did you?"

"No."

"You were young then. You've learnt much more about us now; you know what really drives us don't you?"

"Yes." '_Hate'_ thought Draco, truly disgusted now. He couldn't stop staring at her. The sight of her tortured body was all he could see. All he could hear was the poison Voldemort was pouring into his mind. _'I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.'_ but he had to.

"Good. Now, here you will learn some more. Cruciatus, Draco." Draco looked at Voldemort, and saw that he was staring at the girl too. Instead of the horror he felt though, Voldemort looked thrilled, almost intoxicated by the power he thought he had. Draco felt numb, completely detached from his body as he looked back at her and raised his wand. He saw the pleading in her eyes, the tenseness in her limbs, and there was nothing he could do. He stood with his wand pointed at her, not moving or saying anything for a long time.

"Draco?" Voldemort was getting impatient.

"Crucio." whispered Draco almost imperceptibly. The spell hit her full force, and Draco didn't think he'd heard a sound worse than that girl's screaming. It stabbed into his head and shook his bones. He watched as she writhed on the floor, beyond coherent thought as the pain ripped through her frail body.

"Finite incantatum." He whispered again, and her screaming stopped. She lay motionless on the floor except for the hitching of her chest as she breathed.

"Well done my boy." said Voldemort, and Draco found that he couldn't look him in the eye anymore. He knew what was coming next.

"Don't you think she's suffered enough now?" he asked, almost begging.

"It is not for us to show mercy Draco, you should know that by now. Mercy is one more weakness, but you are young and you will not learn everything in one night. There is one more thing for you to do for me."

"Yes. I know." Draco looked down at her and raised his wand once more. He looked deep into the eyes of the life he was about to snuff out, and realised he didn't even know her name. He saw the fear in her, and comforted himself with the thought that at least her ordeal would be over soon. His would last forever. Voldemort was fidgeting beside him. Lucius had returned and was now standing on the other side of Draco.

"Avada Kedavra." he said, and didn't flinch at the green light that exploded from his wand. He now knew a sound worse than her screaming, it was the sound of her silence.

Lucius gripped his son's shoulder again, and this time there was pride in his eyes.

**********

_I'm a murderer._

_I've killed another human being._

_If Harry could see me now, he wouldn't love me._

_I'm weak, so afraid of death that I'll take an innocent's life._

_If only Harry could see me now._

_It should have been me._

Oh god, oh god, oh god. What have I done? My hands. There's blood on my hands. It should be mine, not hers. How could my father do this to me? How many times has he done something like that? This stupid war isn't worth this. I'm not worth this. I should have died rather than do that, but I'm too weak.

Oh god, what have I done? I can't get the sound of her screams out of my head. It's echoing over and over; driving me mad. 

I killed a person; took a life that wasn't my own. I've become everything I feared I would and more. I should have been more prepared. I should have known, but I didn't think my father would sink that low. Why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be anyone? How am I supposed to live with myself now? How am I supposed to go on? I can't take this.

Is this what Snape meant by tests? How many times has _he done something like this? Or was this a special torture reserved just for me? Why did it have to be her? How am I supposed to go on?_

But I know I have to. I can't die now, because of what I've done. More than ever now, I have to stay alive. I couldn't save her, but there will be others. But how am I supposed to cope?

Harry. He'll hate me when he finds out. How could anyone love such a disgusting creature? He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't really. He wouldn't have killed her. Harry would have been noble and brave and died instead. Harry would never be put in such a position.

Harry. Harry. Harry. I think I need you now. I don't want to live in this darkness anymore Harry, and you're the only light I can see. Will you save me from myself? Because I can't do this on my own anymore. I didn't understand how hard this would be.

You're more important to me now than any of this. I don't care about the past, I don't care about politics, none of that's important. What I feel for you is what matters. I should have cherished the love you gave me, but I didn't respect it enough. I love you so much it hurts, and from now on it will only be about us because I need you.

I don't want to die alone and screaming like she did. I don't want to die without knowing your touch. I love you, and I will make you mine.

**********

_If I've killed one man, I've killed two-_

_The vampire who said he was you_

_And drank my blood for a year,_

_Seven years, if you want to know. _

_Daddy, you can lie back now._

_There's a stake in your fat black heart_

_And the villagers never liked you._

_They are dancing and stamping on you._

_They always knew it was you._

_Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through._

Daddy – Sylvia Plath

A/N: oh my god!!! I should have been working but I spent all of yesterday writing this instead!! It's just so addictive! Don't suppose you really care though as long as I keep updating right? Well don't worry, I don't think I'll be able to stop until it's all finished. I'm becoming quite proud of my little story!

**NayNymic****:** don't worry, I'll leave a warning just for you! I don't like the ones that make me cry either, but they're the best kind really.

**SoulSister****:** the angst is just gonna go on and on…

**Xirleb70:** wish I had enough money to afford highlights! Thanx for the reviews

**Crystal:** I haven't been reading any lately because I've been writing and it'd put me off! But when I do read them I like the funny ones. Why? Is this too similar to another one??

**Serenitas****:** please don't throw yourself in front of a bus!!! Sorry, no hints for the ending! It's obviously gonna be angsty though!

**Aron****:** I can't promise daily, but I'll write as quickly as I can! I do have a life you know! (well actually…)

All reviews are welcome!!!


	12. Chapter 12

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

**Rated: ****R, definitely R this time. It's mild, but the slash is there ladies and gentlemen. You've been warned.**

**Chapter 12**

_With the loving mercy of our God,_

_A new day from heaven will dawn upon us._

_It will shine on those who live in darkness,_

_In the shadow of death._

_It will guide us into the path of peace._

Luke 1 vs. 78-79

**********

To any onlookers, it would have looked like a simple stand-off between enemies. Draco Malfoy, flanked by the ever-present Crabbe and Goyle, and Harry Potter, with Ron and Hermione at his side. They stood facing each other at the entrance to the Great Hall, and the animosity between them was obvious. Harry stood, transfixed by the boy who had broken his heart. Draco merely looked bored, but the rings under his eyes belied his calm exterior. His eyes were looking everywhere but at Harry, as though he couldn't bear to look at him.

"Get out of the way Malfoy." Ron spat, breaking the silence with his derogatory tone. Crabbe and Goyle flexed their muscles as Ron pushed rudely past, Harry and Hermione following closely. As Harry walked past him though, Draco grabbed his arm and moved his lips close to his ear. To anyone else, this was a move to threaten and intimidate.

"I missed you." he whispered earnestly so that only Harry could hear, their eyes met, parted, and then Draco let him go so he could enter the hall.

**********

_You don't know that I've been waiting for you for days; simply willing you to appear. I think you watch me when I don't know you're there. Do you think I'm beautiful?_

_In my dreams you come to see me. There are no words as I see you. I know how far you've come, and that it was only to see me. I want you to stay with me all night. I need to feel your closeness. I need you near me to chase away my night-time horrors. I want to feel the softness of you. I want to feel your lips against mine. Needing. Wanting. Having._

_I've been thinking about you._

**********

Harry took his place beside Ron at the Gryffindor table and watched Draco as he walked calmly to his place and began a conversation with Pansy as though nothing had just happened.

Harry had found the holiday almost unbearable. He'd been constantly taunted by thoughts of Draco; images of what he couldn't have. Ron and Hermione hadn't pressed him, but he thought that they were a bit too wrapped up in each other to notice him much. He smiled as he thought of his two best friends and how happy they made each other. His joy was only brief though, as the jealousy of their relationship that he had been trying to repress surfaced. They had been together for such a sort time, and already they were far closer than they used to be. His whole being yearned for the touch of the one person who had ever made him feel whole, but he shouldn't be feeling this way. He should move on. As his eyes drifted to the Slytherin table again, he almost laughed out loud at the idea of trying to forget the feelings he had for his blond beauty.

Draco picked that moment to look over at Harry, and his face grew serious. Harry thought he saw something like regret flicker in his eyes, before he turned away again.

Harry took this opportunity to examine Draco; looking for any change in the boy. His appearance was flawless as ever, pale blond hair falling softly around his face, accentuating his harsh features. Harry, however, also noticed the tired eyes that his smiles didn't seem to reach, and the paler than usual skin. Instinctively, as though Draco was just an extension of his own body, he knew that something had changed. There was something different about Draco's demeanour; he looked almost defeated. Harry turned away when he realised that he was staring.

One bright point in Harry's holiday had been being able to see Sirius again. They had talked for a long time; able to wonder the grounds of Hogwarts as there was nobody around to see them. Many of their conversations had lingered on Lupin, and the future. Harry was still adamant about wanting to be included, but he hadn't pressed Sirius as he had before. He had so little time with his godfather, and he didn't want to argue again so he had kept many of his thoughts to himself. Sirius had noticed Harry's quietness and had asked him about it. He'd been tempted to tell Sirius about what had happened with Draco; about how frustrated he was; about how he had fallen in love. Then reality hit home and he'd pushed such thoughts to the back of his mind.

Harry was pulled back from his reverie as those around him stopped talking and turned to face the teachers' table. Dumbledore had risen and was about to speak.

**********

Draco stalked into the Great Hall after Harry and his friends, clenching his hands into fists to hide the fact that they were shaking. He hadn't thought that seeing Harry after so long would be so intense.

He'd arrived back at Hogwarts very early that morning and found that all lessons had been cancelled for the day so that people had time to prepare for the ball that evening. Being back was strange. It felt as though he'd been away for years, and that he'd returned into a time warp. Everything was exactly the same, but he felt that he'd changed so much.

He'd immediately gone to see Dumbledore and Snape upon returning and had had a very awkward conversation with them. Dumbledore had wanted to know everything that had happened whilst he'd been at home. He'd been especially intrigued by all of Lucius' meetings with the Bergers, unfortunately Draco didn't have any of the details that he'd wanted to know.

Draco had also told Dumbledore and Snape about what had happened on his last night at the manor. In a dull voice that gave away no trace of what he was really feeling underneath, he had told them about the temple and Voldemort and the girl. He didn't say how he'd felt, or how he could still hear her screams. He didn't tell them about the pride in Lucius' eyes or the way that Voldemort's voice made his skin crawl. He'd seen the pity in Dumbledore's eyes, and even worse, he'd seen the understanding and recognition in Snape's. He knew just how cruel they could be.

Draco hadn't slept and he couldn't eat. The only thing keeping him going was, at this moment, simply being in the same room as Harry. When he was near him, he could imagine that one day everything would be right again; that one day he wouldn't have to suffer this torment over and over again in his mind. He glanced over to the Gryffindor table and saw that Harry was watching him, the image of the dead girl flashed before his eyes, and he looked away. A dull ache started in his chest, feeling like the beginning of panic, as he remembered his father's parting words to him. Lucius had pulled him away from a fussing Narcissa, and had whispered to him:

_"There's something I need you to do. It's very important. You need to fill this vial with Potter's blood. It's enchanted, so all you have to do is place it against his skin and the blood will be drawn. He won't feel a thing. This is very important Draco, and you need to do it soon."_

Draco had merely nodded and taken the small, glass vial from his father. He hadn't been able to look Lucius in the eye after the previous evening; he was too afraid of what he would see there.

He'd told Dumbledore about this development obviously, but they hadn't decided what to do. Draco didn't want to risk any harm to Harry, but he couldn't see a way of not having to do it. Lucius had stressed how important this was.

His mind drifted again as his gaze settled once more on Harry. All thought stopped when he saw Harry give Ron a smile, brushing his hair out of his eyes. Draco wished it was his hand in Harry's hair, gently stroking. _'I can't do this to myself anymore.'_

He was going to talk to Harry; apologise, beg, whatever it took. He knew he wouldn't last without him much longer, and he wasn't sure he wanted to try. He just didn't know what he could say to Harry that would undo everything he'd already said.

He was still pondering on this when Pansy, who had been prattling in his ear for the whole meal and staring surreptitiously at his right fore-arm, poked him in the side, drawing his attention to the fact that Dumbledore had risen and was preparing to speak.

**********

Dumbledore rose and surveyed his students. He glanced briefly in Draco Malfoy's direction and sighed. That boy had been through hell that holiday, and he wished there was more he could do to protect him. As he was staring, he noticed Draco's gaze shift to land on Harry Potter's face, and he was stunned at the intensity of the gaze. Dumbledore wasn't so old that he didn't remember what desire and love looked like. Draco's words from their first meeting came back to him once more.

_"I never want Potter to find out about this."_

His face remained remarkably passive as the final piece of the puzzle clicked into place. _'Oh. That wasn't what I expected. Well this is interesting, and it does explain a lot. This is going to cause a lot of trouble.'_

He realised that the students were ready to listen to him and he launched into his welcoming back speech; reminding them all of the time of the ball that evening, and they were to spend the rest of the afternoon getting ready.

He sat down as the students filed out, his thoughts still centred on the problem of Harry and Draco.

**********

That afternoon, Harry escaped Gryffindor Tower and all of the excited students getting ready for the ball. He walked to the far bank of the river and stood looking across to the school, lost in thought. 

It was here that Draco found him. Apart from Draco's words to him at lunch, the two hadn't spoken since before the holidays. Harry wasn't sure he had anything left to say.

"Harry?" Draco said softly, coming to stand beside him and looking out at the castle too. Harry turned to face him tiredly, wondering what he was possibly going to say. His heart stopped at the look of earnest on Draco's face as he turned to look at him too.

"Harry I…I had this whole speech prepared, but now I'm looking at you, it doesn't seem that important anymore. I was going to apologise, beg for forgiveness. I…" Harry continued to stare, waiting patiently for Draco to get to the point.

"The thing is I, I wanted to explain, to be clear, but you have to understand there are things I can't tell you and-"

"Draco." Harry interrupted Draco's babbling with this softly spoken word. Draco stopped talking and stared back at Harry. Harry looked tired, and Draco didn't blame him. "I don't want to know your secrets. You don't have to tell me everything straight away. I trust you. All I want is you Draco, you know that."

Tears began to flow from Draco's eyes and he wiped them away furiously. _'He trusts me. He trusts me.'_

"I know. I got lost before and forgot what was important. But I know now, I realised a lot of things whilst I was away. Harry, I can't do this alone anymore. I don't _want_ to. I didn't think I had a choice, but I was so wrong. Can you forgive me?" He took Harry's hands in his but was unable to look the other boy in the eye. _'What if he says no? How would I manage without him?'_

Harry's heart melted at the forlorn look on Draco's face. He tilted Draco's chin so that they were staring deep into each other's eyes, and smiled.

"Of course I can you stupid arse." he said quietly.

Draco stared at Harry, unbelieving, then he laughed and pulled Harry into a fierce embrace. His heart felt so full he thought it would burst. He held on tightly, afraid that Harry might change his mind at any moment, until Harry pulled back slightly. They said nothing for a while; just drowned in the love they found in each other's eyes.

"I love you, you know." said Draco finally.

"Draco, I don't think I could love anyone more than I love you."

There was no more space for speech as lips descended saying more than simple words ever could. Their hands and mouths mapped out desperate pictures of love, desire and fulfilment on each others' bodies. All of the frustration and pent up lust boiled over in that moment because they were finally allowed to do this. This felt right and good and there was nothing left to stop them. No more insecurity or fear or mistrust. The world faded away and, for a moment, there were no evil men plotting their downfall and there was no need for spying. Nothing mattered anymore because they were here in this moment together.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know." Draco kept repeating these words over and over between their kisses.

**********

"I need you so much Draco." Harry gasped, breaking away and pressing their foreheads together. "I've felt this way for so long, and now I have you, I want all of you. It feels as though I've been smashed into pieces and you're the only one who can put me back together." He was almost incoherent with the intensity of emotion running through him, but Draco understood.

"We make each other complete." Draco whispered, and recaptured Harry's mouth. The passion between them increased; they were both panting and desperately straining to get closer to each other.

"Here? Now?" asked Harry nervously.

"Oh yes." said Draco. "It has to be now."

"I know." They smiled at each other, both struck by the enormity of what they were going to do. They came together again, and this time, there was only desperate, agonising need. They didn't care that they were outside, they didn't care that anyone might see; all they knew was each other. The world ceased to exist for them.

Never breaking their gaze, Draco slowly unbuttoned Harry's shirt, slipping it off and running his hands over Harry's tanned chest. Harry groaned at his touch and felt his knees buckle. He leant into Draco's touch, grabbing him by the waist and pulling him closer. Draco's hands slipped to Harry's back as they kissed once more, fluttering at the base of his spine then travelling up to discover his broad shoulders. This first exploration was the most important of all, and he would remember every inch. 

The exquisite feeling of Draco's hands on his skin was almost too much for Harry to take, and he felt the sudden urge for movement. Tremulously, he pushed back from Draco's embrace and they locked eyes again. He reached out and, when finding that his hands were shaking too much, simply tore open Draco's shirt, hearing the buttons ping away, and spread his hands over the milky white skin he found there. Draco gasped and arched into Harry's delicate touch. He wriggled out of the remains of his shirt and pulled Harry close to him. The first touch of skin on skin sending delicious sparks of pleasure through their bodies that made them gasp.

_'I want to stroke you, to revel in the feel of your skin beneath my hands. I want to feel you all around me so that I know I'm safe. I'll always be safe here with you. In this moment I know that everything is forgiven, there's a new path ahead of us and we will take it together.'_

Removing Harry's glasses and tossing them carelessly aside with a flick of his wrist, Draco gently pushed Harry to the soft ground of the river bank and lay beside him. He ran his hand tenderly through Harry's hair, marvelling at the softness of it. They looked into each others eyes, and peace finally surrounded them; overwhelming. Unable to hold back any longer, Draco leant in for a chaste and innocent kiss that broke Harry's heart with its tenderness. Their kiss deepened and neither could hold back the desire that broke through in great waves that overtook them and left them drowning. 

_'I want you. I want you here with me now. I want you inside me, pushing me further than you ever have before. I want to be so close to you that I don't know where I end and you begin. I need this more than I've ever needed anything.'_

The gentleness that was present before faded as they both gave in to the crushing desire they felt. Discarding the rest of their clothes, they clutched one another close, their hips moving together creating a delicious friction that left them both trembling. The heat between them was rising.

"Draco, I need you now." Harry murmured gently, tracing the outline of Draco's ear with his tongue.

_'I don't think I could want you more.'_

"Are you sure?"

_'This is all I'll ever need.'_

"Yes. Please. Now."

_'Now.'_

Draco moved above Harry, shifting his hips between his legs. He looked deeply into the forest-green pools that would save him from his torment, and leant down to kiss him, covering the gasp that escaped Harry's lips as he entered him, slowly and gently.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No. Don't stop."

_'Don't stop. Never stop. This is too much, but not enough. It'll never be enough. Don't stop. I need this more than anything I've ever needed before. I need you. I need you.'_

Under a warm summer sun, and in the presence of all nature; a perfect expression of love.

_Gentle movements, belying the anxious urge underneath. Soft caresses and a tenderness to melt every heart. A fire, burning brighter than anything seen before; eternally fuelled by this moment. It's burning them from the inside. Pain and pleasure mixed as one. Amidst the hate and the passion and the hurt and the fury, a love is born that will span lifetimes and send ripples through the world._

Breaking down walls of hate and inhibition, they moved together in an ancient rhythm set long ago by the greatest lovers of the world; travelling together on their journey towards an earth-shattering ecstasy. For them, this moment would last forever.

**********

_Starved of affection, I stagger through life._

_Driven on by my dreams, of something more,_

_Something better than this._

_Hanging on by a thread,_

_My poor body racked by loneliness._

_A hand, so elegant and beautiful,_

_Blocks out the cruel sun that burns my skin_

_And pulls me to safety._

_I cannot lift my eyes from the dusty ground,_

_For the habit of disappointment still lives in me._

_But he tilts my chin and his love erases the world._

_I leave my bitter pain and sorrow,_

_And exchange them for a journey_

_Which we make together._

_He takes my hand,_

_And we dance together through life._

_For one terrifying moment, his grip on me lessens, _

_And once again I fear all I left behind._

_But he encircles me with his arms_

_And never lets me go._

_Safe, warm and no longer alone, I carry on_

_My journey which never ends._

A/N: Hmmm, not as happy with this, I think it could be better. A lot better actually. Sodding work put me off! I'd appreciate comments on the last bit. But aren't I nice for getting them together?? You've all been begging so much, happy now? Ooo I've already written the ending, it was all in my head and I didn't want to forget any of it. If all goes according to plan, there'll be 3 more chapters, long ones mind, and an epilogue. Oh the excitement!!!

**Lady Fire eyes:** hope you didn't hurt yourself falling off your chair! Happy now? You asked for them to get together and they are! Thanks for the review

**Boston****:** Thanks a lot. You really should read more slash but be careful, it's addictive!!

**SoulSister:** Was this chapter a bit happier?? I don't want to depress you!

**Xirleb70:** glad you like the story! I think I'll save up for highlights too. It'll probably take me months though!

All reviews are welcome!!!!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R

**Chapter 13**

Treacherous calm that seeps in and takes over. Melancholic voices, singing of my doom, are silenced by a single breath escaping your lips. A sickly sweetness oozes into the world; stopping us in our tracks. It removes all bitterness, making us forget. For at this time we are allowed to let go. We are emboldened by the light to grab what we want most; to grasp what we desire and crush it with our eagerness. In earnest we believe what we are told, and blindly fumble towards an impossible happiness. Bliss; a poison in disguise which forces us to relinquish our hold on reality.

Looking at you now, sleeping fitfully, I let the bliss take me because the real world can wait. When you wake we will return to it, but for now I will languish in the feeling of timelessness. I will linger in the world where your body lays next to mine and your arms surround me; protectively holding me.

Do you know how much I need you? Do you know how much I've been forced to change? Should I tell you what I have become? I don't think I can, because I couldn't bear to see disgust in your eyes.

So for now, I will stay in the security of your arms around me, and I will let the calm take me in.

Just let me stay here a little while longer because there isn't much time left before we have to part.

**********

Draco let his finger trail lightly down his lover's back, who shivered uncontrollably and shifted slightly closer to him. Harry had been dozing for a few minutes now, and Draco didn't think he'd ever seen anything more beautiful. He was tracing the outline of Harry's jaw now, and he shivered again. He was in complete control of him; could do anything. This entrancing creature next to him, whose skin seemed to glow and whose capacity for love was boundless. 

In his other hand he held the vial that his father had given him. He looked at it closely, confused as to what to do. It distressed him greatly that even now, in this most intimate moment, he was still thinking about his father and Voldemort.

Draco lifted the vial to Harry's arm and placed it against his skin. A pale blue light glowed around it briefly and the vial filled slowly with Harry's blood. Harry shifted again and frowned slightly. Draco looked at the dark red liquid; a piece of his lover which he had taken without permission. He didn't know what he was going to do with it, he was aware of the power held in possessing a person's blood. Ancient, dark magic which gave you complete control.

He sighed and leant over to tuck the bottle away into his robes and then turned his attention back to Harry.

"Harry? Wake up. We don't have much time." he murmured in his ear. Harry grunted, turned over, opened his eyes and smiled. He lifted his hand and gently stroked Draco's cheek.

"Hi" he said. Draco smiled back, unable to help himself.

"We have to go Harry. We have to get ready for the ball, remember?" Harry frowned with the effort of coherent thought.

"Yes. Not much time now." he said slowly. "But I don't want to move. I want to stay here with you." He inched even closer, pressing his body intimately against Draco's. Draco sighed happily and leant in to kiss Harry.

"Mmm, that's nice." he said, pulling away slightly, "But we really have to go. People will notice if we don't turn up." Harry giggled,

"Ha! They'll probably think we've killed each other or something. Couldn't be more wrong really."

"Hmm. So…who're you going to the ball with then?" Draco asked innocently.

"Urm, no-one actually. I didn't get round to asking anybody, I've had other things on my mind you know." He said, looking intensely at Draco, who blushed. "What about you?"

"Well Pansy was hinting like mad but I ignored her. She's very irritating you know?" Harry snorted at this. "And, well, I've been busy." Harry didn't want to think about what Draco had been busy doing.

"Well it seems we're both going stag tonight then!" They both laughed, enjoying the comfortable conversation. With a huge sigh, Draco sat up and started putting his clothes on. He looked mournfully at his ruined shirt, turning to Harry and raising an eyebrow.

"What? I was impatient!" said Harry defensively. Draco leant over to where Harry was slowly putting on his own clothes and whispered,

"I noticed, but it's OK, you more than made up for ruining my shirt." Harry shivered and looked at Draco. As if they were one person, knowing exactly what the other was thinking, they both leant in for a passionate kiss. Clothing forgotten they both lay back down on the ground, clutching desperately at each other. After a few minutes, Draco pushed Harry gently away.

"You distracted me! We really have to go. It's going to take me ages to get ready for tonight now, because I've someone I need to look especially good for."

"Who's that then?" asked Harry coyly.

"Silly boy."

"I can't wait." They finally managed to get dressed, and they walked slowly towards the school, holding hands because neither could stand a loss of contact just yet.

Harry pulled back before they got too close to the school. There was something he needed to ask Draco.

"Draco? What made you change your mind? I mean, I'm not complaining, obviously, but what changed?" Draco looked away for a moment before facing Harry.

"I did. Something happened to me over the holiday that made me really see what was important. Please don't push me now Harry, I promise I'll tell you, but not now. It doesn't matter what we've done, or said; all that matters, is what we feel now. Everything else we can work around. Right now, all I know is that I want to be with you. I want this." He leant in to kiss Harry who responded eagerly. _'I'll never get enough of the feel of his lips.'_ thought Harry.

"I want this too." Harry whispered. "I trust you." 

Draco had a flashback to when he took some of Harry's blood and he pulled away.

"I'll see you later."

**********

Harry glanced over the letter he'd finished writing, before putting it away in the cupboard by his bed. After that afternoon he'd had to change some things. He sat for a moment, thinking about what he'd just written and whether anyone would ever have to read it. Then his thoughts wondered to why he'd had to change it and he sighed happily, moving to check his reflection for the fifth time. His dark blue dress-robes, a gift from Sirius, brought out his dark hair and pale skin. Surely he looked good enough?

The euphoria of what had happened with Draco hadn't worn off, but there had been enough time for some doubts to creep in. Harry's main concern was his friends. How could he ever get them to accept Draco? It had been such a gradual thing for Harry; seeing more and more each day of the Draco Malfoy nobody else knew. His friends didn't know that person and he wasn't sure they ever would. They hadn't exactly decided to keep their relationship a secret, it would be too difficult to hide, but he couldn't just thrust this on his friends. It needed to be approached delicately.

He'd been so happy that afternoon but it bothered him that he had no idea what had made Draco change his mind. It had to have been something important; he'd been so against them being together. Harry had seen the haunted look in his eyes that hadn't ever quite left them, and it worried him. He knew there were many things that he didn't know about Draco's life, especially about what had happened over the holiday, but he also knew that it was very important that Draco knew that he trusted him. He did, but it was just so hard when he knew that Draco was keeping so many things from him. Harry resolved to press Draco that night, as it was time that some of his faith was repaid. He needed to know where Draco stood. It wasn't a conversation that Harry was looking forward to, but it couldn't be avoided.

Harry looked at his reflection one last time, and went to find Ron and Hermione.

**********

Draco had to admit that he looked good. He stood in front of his full-length mirror, inspecting himself from every angle. His black robes hung on his body in a flattering but not girly way, accentuating his broad shoulders and slender figure. The dark green trim reminded him of Harry. He smiled gently to himself as he thought about Harry for the millionth time. That afternoon had been…amazing. There was no other way to put it. Harry had been gentle and caring, but there was a raw passion to him that seemed to just boil over and infect him.

The vial of blood, which was sat on his dresser, caught his eye and his smile faded. He should tell Harry; should tell him everything. Harry had put so much faith in him, and he felt that in that one small act he had betrayed that. He didn't want to lie to Harry anymore, but how could he tell him what he had done; what he had become? He desperately tried to push the memories from his mind, but they refused to be repressed. The guilt washed over him once more. How could he feel so happy after what he had done? How is it possible that he deserved to have such a loving, caring beautiful creature as Harry in his life now?

He shook his head suddenly and stood up, looking at his reflection with self-loathing. He picked up the vial and slid it into his pocket; it felt unnaturally heavy there, as though his conscience didn't want him to forget it, and he left the room to join his house mates.

**********

Harry, Ron, Hermione and the rest of the Gryffindor sixth years pushed through the students milling around outside and entered the Great Hall. As a group, they stopped and stared, gawping openly at the lavish decorations. Over the years Harry had become used to seeing the hall decorated for special occasions such as this, but this time the teachers hadn't held back.

His eye was first drawn to the enchanted ceiling. Instead of reflecting the sky outside as it usually did, it was now showing the stars of the galaxy. Beautiful red and gold nebulas shone with the light of a million suns. Shooting stars darted across the sky intermittently, giving brief light before blinking out suddenly. Constellations, meteor showers and supernovas; the universe lit up their sky that night.

The walls were shimmering softly and, upon closer inspection, Harry saw that the effect was created by thousands of tiny fire-flies. Each insect was encased in a miniature bottle, and was buzzing angrily inside. The house tables had been removed and replaced by a single long table which had been placed at the front of the hall. It was covered, and almost groaning with the weight of dozens of plates piled high with deliciously exotic looking foods. The centre piece of the table was a huge punch bowl, enchanted to refill itself with a new drink each time it was emptied.

The Gryffindors still hadn't moved, and they all turned around when a familiar voice drawled,

"Are you actually going to move, or are you going to stand around all night gawping like the bunch of morons you are?"

Draco Malfoy and the other sixth year Slytherins had arrived. Harry gazed at the blond, desperately trying to look indifferent to the beauty before him. Draco didn't seem to having as much trouble as Harry, as he looked disdainfully at the Gryffindors.

"Ah" he said, "I see you all tried so hard to dress up and look nice again. It's such a shame we can't all brush up as well as you Gryffindors." Harry's house-mates bristled at Draco's condescending tone. It was at this point that Draco finally looked at Harry, and Harry saw his resolve dissolve completely. Draco's eyes softened, and filled with such desire that Harry blushed and ducked his head, smiling.

The Slytherins pushed past, and Draco let the back of his hand brush against Harry's as he walked by. A subtle act that nobody noticed, but one that sent a jolt of electricity down Harry's spine. His body remembered all too well the pleasure of Draco's hands on him.

"Harry? What are you doing? Come on!" Harry looked around at Ron's words, and flushed when he realised that he'd remained standing stock still whilst his friends had ventured further into the hall.

***********

Draco walked quickly to the front of the hall and poured himself a drink of punch with shaking hands. He needed to calm down. He'd avoided looking at Harry for as long as possible, but when he'd finally given in he'd been struck almost speechless by how good he looked. He'd had to physically fight the urge not to take him in his arms and snog him senseless right there. He sighed and leant against the table. He felt the small bottle in his pocket pushing uncomfortably into his thigh and shifted slightly, but he could still feel it.

He let his focus drift back to the other Slytherins who hadn't noticed him being distracted. Blaise Zabini was currently cosying up to Pansy, who was completely oblivious to his blatant advances because she was complaining loudly to Millicent, Crabbe and Goyle about 'bloody Gryffindors'. Millicent was nodding furiously in agreement, whilst Crabbe and Goyle were looking slightly confused. _'Probably because Pansy's using words with more than two syllables.'_ Draco thought, and then had to fight the impulse to giggle. He really had nothing in common with these people; with their closed little minds full of mundane boring problems, totally unaware of the bigger picture. They really had no idea about what was going on around them, and it irritated Draco no end. Sometimes he really felt like just giving one of them a shake and screaming in their face _'look around you!' Draco scowled and turned away from them, preferring his own company to theirs. He'd long ago given up lording over and controlling them when he realised that it just wasn't a challenge anymore. They bored him._

He briefly noted the effort that the teachers had gone to to decorate the hall, before his eyes settled on Harry again, who was looking distinctly uncomfortable talking to the Weasley girl and her photographer boyfriend. Harry glanced his way, giving him a desperate look, before turning his concentration back to them. Draco grinned before deciding he really should try and socialise, and returning his attention to Pansy and the others, who had moved on to ridiculing the Hufflepuffs.

**********

Harry was desperately trying to follow the flow of the conversation, which was difficult because Ginny and Colin kept interrupting each other in their excitement. They were talking about some new charm Colin had discovered in the holidays which would enable them to turn all of the Slytherins' hair bright purple in one go. Harry's concentration wasn't helped by the fact that Draco kept flashing him intense looks from across the room, and standing in an extremely sexy pose. He looked calm, composed and relaxed. Harry almost couldn't recognise him from the desperate and hungry being he had made love to that afternoon. The mental images this brought back made Harry flush slightly.

Harry gave up trying to understand whatever Colin and Ginny were talking about, and just stood and nodded. He looked around, trying to find someone to rescue him, but the only person even glancing in his direction was Draco. Ron and Hermione were dancing together on the dance floor, as were the majority of his other friends.

In a moment of inspiration, he managed to extract himself from the conversation by telling them that he was going to the bathroom, and hurried off to find a dark corner of the hall to hide in. he'd never been comfortable in situations like this; he was always convinced that everyone was gawping at his scar.

He'd just started to relax in his dark and deserted corner, when a sultry voice whispered in his ear,

"Not enjoying the festivities?" An arm wrapped itself around Harry's waist, squeezing slightly.

"Draco." Harry sighed. "I am now." He turned and captured the Slytherin's lips in a brief but meaningful kiss.

"Mmm." Draco sighed, licking his lips and tasting Harry there. "Harry, you look gorgeous tonight, just thought I'd tell you. Come on, let's get out of here for a bit."

**********

"May I have this dance?" Draco held his hand out to Harry. They were outside, having escaped the ball through a side door in the hall that Harry had never seen before. They were standing in an enclosed courtyard, surrounded by tall trees which were rustling in the gentle breeze. The music from the hall could still be heard, and a slow, mournful ballad had begun.

"Of course." said Harry, taking Draco's hand. He wrapped his arms around Draco's neck, as Draco draped his arms around Harry's waist. Harry buried his face in the crook of Draco's neck, and didn't think that anything could feel more right.

They swayed gently to the music, their chests meeting as they both breathed simultaneously. Draco's hand lightly caressed the small of Harry's back, who felt the reverberations of it through his entire body. They moved, breathed and felt as one.

Harry exhaled lightly into Draco's neck,

"Draco?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Harry." The music reached its crescendo as their lips met in a sweet, innocent kiss.

"I know something happened to you during the holiday Draco. Something bad." Harry felt Draco's hands stiffen around his waist.

"Yes. It was awful." Harry instantly regretted bringing it up when he saw the pain and fear in Draco's eyes.

"It's OK." he whispered. "You don't have to tell me."

"Yes I do. You have a right to know, but can I tell you later? I don't want to spoil this moment." Harry smiled and kissed Draco again.

"That's fine. Later."

**********

When they re-entered the hall, the ball was in full swing. Only Dumbledore had noticed their absence, and he smiled gently to himself when he saw the tenderness in their parting glances. Maybe this would be a good thing after all. He was surprised he hadn't considered it before; all that hatred for each other had to stem from somewhere. People don't just hate each other at first sight.

Snape stiffened visibly in the seat beside him, and Dumbledore turned to see a look of abject horror cross his face as he clutched at his fore-arm. He slowly turned his gaze to Dumbledore and whispered,

"He's coming. He's coming now."

"What?" asked Dumbledore, confused. "Now? He can't Severus, the wards-"

"I don't care about the fucking wards Albus. I can feel it!" Snape's voice cracked. Dumbledore could hear screams from outside of the hall; the screams of his terrified students. _'God help us.'_

As if in slow motion, he looked towards Harry, who was surrounded by his friends as he bent double, clutching at his forehead. He saw Hermione Granger look towards him, fear in her eyes. There was no time to do anything.

The closed doors of the hall began to glow, light was seeping through the cracks and he could hear an eerie chanting coming from the other side. The doors groaned, rattling in their hinges, before they exploded inwards showering the students with splinters. Bright, white light flooded into the room, half blinding him.

Through the screaming and shouting and crying of his students, Dumbledore heard a high voice shout,

"Accio vial." Dumbledore's heart sank as he looked over to Draco Malfoy who had gone white and was clutching at the pocket of his robe whilst staring at the entrance.

The vial of Harry Potter's blood had flown into the outstretched palm of Lord Voldemort.

**********

_If I close my eyes,_

_The pain will go away and be replaced _

_By memory and fantasy._

_I take a breath,_

_And the fragrant scent of summer fills my heart._

_I can't feel the cold anymore,_

_In my mind the hot sun bathes me._

_It burns away all my pain_

_And evaporates my anger._

_The chill of winter disappears,_

_And is replaced by the glorious warmth of summer._

_I don't feel the cold anymore._

A/N: Questions? Comments? Reviews are always welcome. This took me longer than normal because of my ridiculous work load. Trust me, I'd much rather be writing this!!

Draconian: *sigh* I know it wasn't right. I suppose I could re-write it, but I can't really be bothered! I really appreciate your honesty, and don't worry, I really don't have a big ego about this! I get a shock every time someone tells me they actually like this!

Xirleb70: slash is scarily addictive! Thanks for the review

Kimmy, Marzipan: Thanks for the reviews

Remba: ah well it's going to get very complicated now, so you never know what Harry will find out…

Crystal: ooo tell me which ones I should read!!

Severus snape: what kind of cookie? Thanks for the review.

Quasy: I KNOW!!! There was something wrong with it.

Max kitten: I can't help but feel you were a bit frustrated with them? Well they got it together eventually, you knew they were, it just had to be a matter of when!

Mak: Thanks for the review! It took me ages to write that last scene so I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Shadow: thanks, you're too kind!

THomASS: Are you sure? There are a lot of good stories out there! Thanks tho!

Reviews, reviews, reviews….


	14. Chapter 14

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R

**THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE CHAPTER!!!!**

****

**Chapter 14**

Sounds echo, their beauty marred by violence. Pain explodes as useless screams are emitted. The sinful harmonies carry on and the silence degrades.

A need is awakened by the eternal repetition. A need for movement and change. A need to break the endless cycle.

Life and death; the primal struggle. We spend life seeking for a meaning in death; one more circle that we never realise. We are born, we create, we love, we die. Pain is a mere stepping stone we use to achieve an ending. It goes on…

Trembling fingers soothe the agony, offering comfort and solace. But there is nothing we can do. When the end is near, there is nothing we can do but make it worthwhile.

_Blood of the enemy, taken by the lover and given to the dark. Freedom, truth, love. Pain, guilt, shame. A cycle is ending._

**********

There was complete silence in the hall except for the chanting of Wormtail, who was standing beside Voldemort. There was a white ball of light surrounding the two, acting like a force-field, and Wormtail seemed to be the one holding it up. He looked pale and shaky, as though the effort of maintaining the spell was draining him of all energy. Voldemort seemed oblivious to the panic he was causing.

"Well, it seems you weren't expecting me were you?" asked Voldemort nastily. He held up his left hand, on the first finger was a large silver ring. Dumbledore paled at the sight of it.

"No." he whispered.

"But yes, Albus. You didn't think it still existed did you? And now there's nothing you can do to stop me because young Mr Malfoy was so nice to provide me with this." Voldemort held the vial of Harry's blood in his other hand and uncorked it.

Voldemort closed his eyes and began to chant in a language that nobody in the hall except Dumbledore understood. He began to sway and he seemed to be outlined by a red light. The blood began to boil, giving off a red steam which rose and surrounded the ring. The vapour turned green, and there was an explosion of light and sparks, that engulfed everyone. 

Every single person in the hall fell to their knees as the pain hit them. Terrible, burning pain that made them feel as though their insides were being torn apart; ripped from their bodies.

**********

Harry was one of the first back on his feet, fighting the urge to vomit as the pain ripped through his head. He saw that the force-field that had been protecting Voldemort and Wormtail had collapsed, Wormtail had sunk to the floor looking pale with exhaustion. Without thinking, he pulled his wand from his pocket and pointed it straight at Voldemort.

"Harry. No!" Dumbledore said sharply, picking himself up from the floor. "There's no point Harry, he's taken our magic. Your wand won't work." Voldemort smiled smugly around him.

Everyone stared at Dumbledore, looking for an explanation. He sighed deeply, looking extremely tired and old. Shadows fell across his face as he began to speak, accentuating every wrinkle and line.

"That ring was designed by the ancient Greeks. They were the most powerful wizards ever known. Their strength came through knowledge and reason. They studied our kind, seeking the reason for our existence; for the reason that some humans possess a magical power whilst others don't. They sought, and found, the magical source which bides in every person here. It is in our blood; our life force.

This ring is a by-product of that discovery. With the blood of a mortal enemy, and the correct incantation, it temporarily blocks the magical powers of all in the close vicinity but the wearer." At this news, there was a gasp from the surrounding students, and they began whispering to each other. Dumbledore ignored this and carried on.

"The knowledge which the Greek wizards uncovered was deemed too dangerous and the majority of it was destroyed. Supposedly this ring also. Apparently, we were wrong." Harry lowered his wand. "So you see Harry, we are all defenceless."

Voldemort laughed, a horrible sound which echoed in the near silence.

"As interesting as the history lesson was _Albus, I do have a reason for being here. You always did talk too much." Dumbledore ignored the sarcastic tone._

"How did you get past the wards Tom?" Voldemort laughed again.

"Oh Albus, you think you're so clever. Did you think I wasted my time since I returned? There is so much uncovered knowledge out there you know. Dark secrets just waiting to be told. Like an ancient spell for a force-field which will repel and neutralise every spell but the Killing Curse perhaps?" he smirked and turned his attention away from Dumbledore. His gaze drifted over the students, who were staring at him fearfully. His eyes stayed briefly on Harry, then Draco, but he said nothing.

"Wormtail!" he snapped, disgust clear in his voice. "Stop lounging around on the floor you lazy lump!" He kicked the man on the floor by his side, who grunted and managed to sit up slightly, coughing. "Unfortunately, the force-field spell is exceedingly draining to maintain, so Wormtail here had the honour of performing it." Voldemort let his gaze travel once more, and this time it focussed on Harry, who was staring at him with pure, unadulterated hate. Harry flinched as their eyes locked, holding a hand to his scar, and Voldemort chuckled.

**************

A voice cries out, shattering the peace I have created. The shards of my life fall at my feet. I see happiness, love, my future, separated and destroyed.

This is what I was afraid of; this is why I tried to stay away. I've betrayed you. A sharp pain, a scream, a flash of light. Everything comes to an end. Everything dies.

The hair rises on my skin, the same skin which you made burn. You marked me as your own, without knowing that I'd already been sold. I wanted what we had to be pure, but I taint everything; even you.

I wish I had control over this. My whole life I've been controlled by other people. My actions have all been dictated by circumstance. Even now, at the moment of most bitter betrayal, when I've betrayed everyone, people are still telling me what to do. When do I get to control my future?

Happy ending. Happy ending. Happy ending. When do I get my _fucking_ happy ending?

**********

Voldemort turned his back on the now defenceless students and staff, and surveyed the remains of the doors to the Great Hall. With a flick of his wand, the charred and battered wood was replaced by an impenetrable, metal door. He sighed with satisfaction at his handiwork and returned his attention to those around him, who were staring in muted horror.

"Draco?" You have served me well my boy. I knew you would." Draco jerked at the sound of his name. He remained silent but turned to Harry who was staring at him with confusion and betrayal, tinged with disgust.

"Come and stand with me Draco. There is no more need to hide your true self now." said Voldemort, beckoning Draco over. As he walked slowly towards Voldemort, Draco thought upon the irony of that statement. _'There's more of a need to hide than ever.' _

He could hear the students around him whispering. He caught phrases such as, _'…always knew…', '…just like his father…', '…what else should we have expected?'_ He had to fight not to hang his head in shame. He saw the other members of his house staring at him, Pansy had a look of jealousy on her face that made Draco feel physically ill.

_'What do I do?'_ he thought desperately. He looked to Harry, used to finding comfort there now, but Harry didn't seem to be able to even look at him. Dumbledore and Snape were both still staring at Voldemort, seemingly stunned. _'What do I do now?'_

**********

I trusted you, more than anyone I ever trusted in my entire life. How could I have been so wrong? How could all of this have been a lie?

Even now, as you walk to take your place beside _him_, I can't believe it. How could I have not seen this coming? The people around me are muttering, saying that of course you're with him. You've always been evil, so vocal about your opinions. But that's wrong, because this year you've been different. You've been quiet, restrained, solitary. I thought you'd changed. You're not supposed to be with him, you're supposed to be mine. Was all this just an elaborate lie to get close to me? Part of _another plot to kill me? Well you've done a good job of it yourself. Voldemort will be disappointed to find out that you've already destroyed me._

Why couldn't I have just stayed away from you?

I'm looking at you, but I don't know who you are. You look so calm and confident, but I swear I can see fear in your eyes. Maybe I'm just hoping. You don't look right standing next to him, you should be over here with me.

This can't be real. This can't be real. This can't be real.

My heart has exploded and is showering everyone with pain.

You love me…don't you? You wouldn't do this to me…would you?

**********

"What are you doing here Tom?" Dumbledore asked coldly. "What do you want?" Voldemort's eyes flicked back to Dumbledore.

"Now Albus, you know that's not my name anymore." His tone was dangerous. "I would have thought that the reason for my being here would be obvious. I'm here to take Mr Potter for a little trip. I thought I'd take Draco here with me as well. His father will be delighted to see him." Draco, now standing beside Voldemort, had paled at the idea of leaving Hogwarts and he looked pleadingly at Dumbledore. 

"You can't take them. I won't let you."

"How do you think you're going to stop me Albus?" said Voldemort scornfully. "Besides, Draco wants to come with me. Tonight he will receive the Dark Mark."

**********

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of always having to fight; of having to think ten steps ahead. Life shouldn't be a chess match. I'm sick of analysing what people say and trying to work out what they actually mean.

I'm old and I feel as though I've been afraid all my life. I don't think I'm afraid of dying anymore. Death would bring such release for me, but I can't because there are things I have to do.

I never used to care about other people. I was young, indestructible, and other people could go and jump. Now, I look around me and it tires me. I see people making the same mistakes I did; destroying their lives like I did out of simple misguided trust. I see honest people taken advantage of. I see people who strive for happiness, trodden down by circumstance. I see history repeating itself over and over, and I'm tired.

It's time for me to step out of the shadows. 

**********

"No!" Snape suddenly shouted rushing forwards. Dumbledore had to restrain him by pulling back on his arms.

"Severus, don't do this. You know what he will do to you. There's nothing we can do and he knows it." Dumbledore whispered in his ear.

"I don't care anymore Albus!" Snape shouted. "I won't let him take either of them, especially not Draco."

"Excuse me?" said Voldemort, taken aback. "I would have thought that _you_ of all people would be proud of one of the members of your beloved house receiving my mark. Considering your own behaviour." The students that were still in the hall were watching this exchange like a tennis match, their heads going back and forth as they tried to work out what was going on.

"He's too young! I will not sit by and watch you ruin any more lives! He doesn't deserve it. I won't sit by and watch you do to him what you did to me!"

"And what, exactly, did I do to you that was so terrible?" asked Voldemort quietly. He seemed to be enjoying himself.

"You destroyed me! You filled me with so much hatred and I was too stupid to see what was happening until it was too late. You're disgusting."

"Aah, the turncoat finally shows his true colours. I wondered how long it would take you. Did you honestly think I would ever trust you again? Did you really think I would believe a word that came out of your lying mouth? I just gave you all those tests because I liked watching you suffer." Snape blanched. _'Oh my God…'_ he thought. _'How could I have been so stupid?'_

"You bastard!" he shouted. "I've watched you destroy so much. I should have done more. I saw you consumed by power and hatred, it even seduced me at first. I was foolish. Then I was just too afraid to leave. My entire life has been tainted by the hateful dogma you instilled in me. I _refuse to let you drag that boy down with you." Draco had remained silent until now, but he realised that Snape had lost control. He had forgotten that he was unarmed and that Voldemort wouldn't think twice before casting the Killing Curse on him._

Inside, Draco was crying again.

"Professor Snape?" he said quietly. Everybody turned to look at him.

"Yes Draco?" Snape asked, taking deep breaths in an attempt to stay calm.

"While I appreciate your concern, I've made my choice. I belong with Voldemort." Snape's eyes filled with horror as he realised what Draco was doing.

"No. Draco you don't have to do this! Think about what you're doing. This is your life!" he cried desperately. Draco found he couldn't keep eye contact with Snape so he looked away, his gaze falling on Harry. Harry was staring at him as though he'd only just seen him. _'Will he realise what I'm doing? Or will he think I'm like my father like everyone else in this room does? Will he trust me?' He tried to look pleading without giving anything away. Dumbledore was the only one who noticed._

"As you can see, Draco has made his choice Severus." said Voldemort smugly. Snape's shoulders had fallen and he hung his head, defeated. "However, I will save you the trouble of having to watch it happen." Draco stared incredulously at Voldemort who had raised his wand against the defenceless man. Snape looked up, resignation on his face. _'He knew this would happen!' thought Draco. He looked to Dumbledore, begging him with his eyes to do something. Dumbledore was staring at Voldemort._

"Tom, don't-" he began.

"Shut _up_ Albus." Voldemort snapped. "For once in your life, keep your nose out of something that is none of your damn business! Avada Kedavra!" Draco looked away, but still heard the thud of Snape's body hitting the floor. _'Oh God this is my fault. He was trying to protect me!' He turned back and numbly looked at his dead teacher, then turned to look at Voldemort again._

"He was my teacher." he said faintly.

"Yes." said Voldemort. "And he was a traitor to our cause. You see what happens to people who betray me Draco?" Draco looked towards Harry again, who was still staring straight at him, tears pouring down his face.

"Yes." he whispered. "I see."

**********

This is real. I know you. This is what I saw in your eyes before that scared me; this is what has been hurting you; this is what you were hiding from me. A double life.

Oh God Draco, what have you done? You couldn't just stay out of things could you? But then, I suppose you weren't really given much of a choice.

I understand now. The pain; it's written all over your face. Is this what you were going to tell me tonight? I can see why you wanted to protect me from yourself so much. You didn't want to drag me into this with you. I think that makes me love you more than ever.

It's so obvious now I can't believe I didn't see it before. Of course you would be put in this position; I just didn't think it would be this soon.

Snape knew; that's why he was trying to save you. Dumbledore knows; he keeps looking from you to me. I think he knows about us too.

Did you tell them everything? Everything that you were too afraid to tell me?

What did you have to do?

I hate this. I hate what this has done to us both. I hate that you've had to pretend and face things I can't even imagine; or maybe just don't want to. I hate that this made me doubt your love for me and whether I was wise to trust you. I hate that this is what made you doubt the strength of our love. Most of all, I hate that you just had to stand by and watch your favourite teacher murdered. God, the pain in your eyes. I wish I could take it away.

My tears are for you Draco. I'm so sorry that it had to be this way. I'm sorry for both of us.

Why does this have to be our life? Why can't we just be together in peace and not have to worry about stupid insane murderers destroying everything?

I _hate_ this.

**********

Harry stared from Snape's body, to Dumbledore, to Draco. The guilt washed over him. _'Has all this really happened just so that Voldemort can kill me? Why am I so important?'_ He took a step forwards, but found his arms restrained. He glanced back and saw both Ron and Hermione looking at him.

"No Harry. Don't." said Hermione. Harry was confused, why were they stopping him?

"Don't you see that I have to?"

"No, you don't Harry. This doesn't have anything to do with you. It's about Malfoy." said Ron.

"No. This is about me. It always has been and it always will be until one of us is dead. And Draco, he's important to me Ron. He's everything to me." The realisation of what Harry was saying hit Ron, and he released his arm as though he had been stung.

"_Him_?" he hissed. "That's who it is? Harry, how could you?" Hermione was looking confused, glancing at Draco.

"Yes him, and it's because I love him. You once said it didn't matter who it was Ron, just that they made me happy. Well Draco makes me happier than anyone else ever has. He's not like his father, just trust me. Please?" Ron looked away, so Harry turned to Hermione. She closed her eyes briefly, and when she opened them again, there were tears.

"I understand Harry. I know what love can do to a person. How it can drive you mad. Go and help him Harry." Harry nodded as she released his arm as well, and he began walking slowly towards Dumbledore, Voldemort and Draco, all of whom were oblivious to the altercation which had gone on.

Dumbledore appeared stunned, as though he couldn't quite believe what Voldemort had done. As Harry reached them, Voldemort was the first to notice.

"Voldemort." Harry spat. Draco was staring at him, confused and afraid, whilst Voldemort's eyes narrowed.

"Harry Potter."

"Harry, don't." said Dumbledore quickly, turning his eyes to Voldemort he carried on. "There will be no more blood shed in front of my students." Harry ignored him.

"You want me? Well here I am. Go on, kill me!" he shouted, sounding more confident than he felt. _'Anything to get his attention away from Draco.' He heard a muffled sob from Hermione, but he didn't turn to see. Voldemort laughed._

"Oh no, that's too easy. I have some people for you to meet first."

"No!" shouted Dumbledore. "Stop this now!" He moved to stand between Harry and Voldemort; protecting him.

"Get out of my way Albus, there's nothing you can do."

"You can't take him. He's a defenceless young boy Tom. Think about what you're doing!"

"Stop fucking calling me that!" Voldemort screamed. As they were fighting, Harry looked at Draco. His face was pale and drawn, and he looked perilously close to tears. The calm exterior was faltering and Harry didn't think he'd seen him look more vulnerable. He needed to be strong more than ever now if any of them were going to survive. With his eyes, Harry tried to tell him what he was thinking.

_'It's OK, I know. I know you. I know this isn't you. If I didn't know before, the look on your face when he killed Snape told me more than enough. Be strong for me. Hold on to me. I trust you. I trust you.'_

Harry couldn't tell if Draco got the message, but his eyes hardened and he looked away. Voldemort had raised his wand again and was still screaming at Dumbledore. Harry had a sudden sense of fore-boding.

"I'm not Tom Riddle anymore! I am Lord Voldemort! I am strong, powerful, almighty. I have cheated death! I am Lord Voldemort, bow to your lord!"

"I should have done more for you Tom. I should have been able to protect you." said Dumbledore sadly. This only incensed Voldemort more.

"Don't pretend you _ever_ cared! I was a Slytherin. Even now you neglect them!" Sparks were flying from the end of his wand, and Dumbledore flinched. "Now _get out of my way!" He pushed Dumbledore roughly and he fell to the floor. Voldemort grabbed Harry's arm, who almost screamed as pain shot once again through his scar. He saw Draco reach for him and straightened up, giving him a warning glance. It wouldn't do to break his cover now. Too much was at stake._

"Wormtail!" Voldemort screeched. "Get off the floor, we're leaving." Harry felt the urge to kick the rat-like man where he lay moaning on the floor, but resisted. Dumbledore was gingerly picking himself off of the floor.

"Tom, please-" he begged.

"Goodbye Albus. Say farewell to your Golden boy. It's the last time you'll ever see him." Dumbledore stared at Harry, and Harry gasped. In the eyes of the only man he had ever trusted; the only man who always seemed able to put things right, he saw defeat. He saw Ron and Hermione struggling to reach him, but they were being held back by the other Gryffindors. The last thing he saw before Voldemort transported them away, were the tears that were streaming down both of their faces.

**********

_Hello darkness my old friend_

_I've come to talk with you again_

_Because a vision softly creeping_

_Left its seeds while I was sleeping_

_And the vision that was planted in my brain_

_Still remains_

_Within the sound of silence._

**The Sound of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel**

A/N: Sorry for the wait! I know it's mean leaving you all hanging like that! I'm warning you that there'll be a wait for the last chapter and epilogue which I'll post together cos I've still got sodding exams!!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!! Sorry but I don't have time to write any responses, just know that I really appreciate it!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

**Rated: R**

A/N: Thought I'd say my thank yous first, READ THE EPILOGUE STRAIGHT AFTER THIS CHAPTER!!!!

**Xirleb70: Me? Evil? Don't know what you mean! Thanks for all of your reviews, I've appreciated every one, especially the ones about highlights!**

**SoulSister: oh dear, more tears, I'm actually beginning to feel guilty for making so many people cry!**

**Sunday: Well here's the ending, tell me what you think!**

**internalscream: **thanks a lot, I know a lot of fan fiction stories are very similar and I'm glad you think mine's original

**frizzy: **finished my exams! And passed them all! Yippee!! Thanks for the review. I've been reading your story, magnetic attraction, it's really good.

**ThomASS: **I don't think JK Rowling would get Harry and Draco together, much as I would like her to! Thanks tho!

**destinywriters:** don't you just love the suspense though? Well I'll put you out of your misery now

**BlueEmerald:** OK!! Don't die! Here's the end

Thanks you so much to everybody who reviewed, I'm glad you all enjoyed the story. I really enjoyed writing it!

**Chapter 15**

Draco's feet hit concrete and he instantly opened his eyes to see where he was. They were back in the Temple of Souls, but it was different this time. That evening, the temple was full of people, all dressed in dark robes and hoods. Voldemort had summoned his Death Eaters. Draco looked at them, knowing that the majority of them would know who he was, and shuddered at the thought that his father was amongst them.

Draco felt Harry beside him and wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms and find some sort of comfort, for he was afraid. Once again he had been put in a situation he couldn't control. He hesitantly looked at him, but Harry was looking around him, taking in the view; he looked terrified.

Voldemort, Draco, Harry and Wormtail had been transported to the front of the temple by the alter, the Death Eaters surrounded them in a circle. With the appearance of their lord, they all bowed down. Wormtail slowly moved to take his place in the circle. Voldemort ignored them all, turning instead to Draco.

"Draco, I feel I must apologise for not warning you of my plans for this evening, but you realise the need for secrecy. I'm also sorry that you have to suffer the indignity of having your powers removed."

"I understand." said Draco, still staring warily around him.

"Please tie Mr Potter to the alter whilst I address my other followers." Draco nodded as Voldemort conjured some ropes. He picked them up and dragged Harry towards the alter. He didn't struggle.

"Lie down." said Draco, in a voice which sounded much more confident than he felt. Harry complied silently. Voldemort was droning on about his successful mission and paying no attention to them.

"Harry, listen to me." Draco muttered urgently after checking that they were being ignored. "I've been working with Dumbledore; spying. I didn't know any of this was going to happen. I took your blood because we couldn't see any way out of it. I swear I didn't know."

"I know." said Harry quietly. Draco paused momentarily in his work of tying him up.

"What? How-"

"Nobody told me. I told you before Draco, I know you. I know this isn't you. Besides, when Snape-" He broke off at the look on Draco's face.

"You trust me?" he said weakly. "You still trust me after all that?"

"Yes. I love you Draco." Harry said simply. Draco was silent for a moment, Voldemort was still talking.

"But you don't know what I've done! What they made me do! You can't possibly know who I am." There was a sad, resigned note to Draco's voice.

"Draco, I don't care. I really don't care. I'm sorry that you've had to go through these things, but what they made you do doesn't define who you are. I don't need to know what you've done. Draco Malfoy is the man I made love to this afternoon; the man who loves me; the man who is good and caring. You did those things because you had to. If I didn't know you were sorry, you would be a different person and we wouldn't be having this conversation. You don't need my forgiveness; you only need to forgive yourself." Harry had been speaking quietly and calmly, as though he was talking about the weather. His simple words spoke to Draco of love and forgiveness, and he believed every word that Harry said.

"Thank you." he said softly. He glanced around him and felt the familiar panic rise in him again. "Harry, I don't know what to do. He's going to give me the Dark Mark. I can't refuse. He's going to kill you. I can't let him do that!" He completely failed to keep the desperation out of his voice.

"Don't be afraid. We'll think of something. We'll survive." Harry sounded so calm; so assured of the future, that Draco nearly believed him.

"How do you know?"

"Because we have to. We were meant to be together for more than a day and I'll be damned if I let _him_ of all people get in our way." Draco was stunned and touched by the determination in his lover's eyes. He let himself fall under their spell, and let the belief that Harry would save him seep into his mind; comforting and calming him. Whatever happened, he knew that they would be alright. They had to be.

He was jerked suddenly back to reality by the sound of Voldemort calling his name. He reluctantly turned to face him.

"Yes?" he asked, disconcerted by the fact that all of the Death Eaters had begun to chant.

"It is time to start the ceremony Draco." Voldemort hissed.

**********

Draco walked slowly back towards Voldemort, his eyes darting back and forth as the horror of the situation thrilled through him. As he reached Voldemort, they locked eyes.

"I'm ready." he said, truthfully, as he realised that this was his fate all along. Voldemort's red eyes glittered.

"Good." he said.

"What are they chanting?" asked Draco tremulously, trying to stall for time.

"An incantation to bind you to me. As I give you the Mark, their spell will make the connection." Draco couldn't think of anything he wanted less than to be magically bound to Voldemort.

In the centre of the circle again, Draco was facing Voldemort, who had raised his wand. Draco flinched, and Voldemort noticed.

"Do not be afraid Draco. This is a wondrous occasion for you."

"I'm not afraid, just impatient." said Draco, trying to ignore the voice in the back of his mind which was screaming at him to run.

"Hold out your arm." said Voldemort. Draco complied and Voldemort lowered his wand and touched the tip of it to his fore-arm. Draco's eyes shifted to where Harry was lying, he could see him struggling to turn his head to watch, and he was glad that Harry would be unable to see this. The chanting increased in volume as Draco screamed. Blinding, hot-white pain ripped through him. All thought was pushed away as the agony seeped into his mind. His blood was boiling, his bones were shattering, and the sound of the Death Eaters' chanting seemed to echo over and over in his mind; bouncing off the inner walls of his head, multiplying and increasing in volume.

The pain stopped as suddenly as it began, leaving only a dull throbbing in his arm, which was bleeding profusely. The Dark Mark stood out in stark contrast to his pale skin. He collapsed to the floor, sobbing, holding his arm to his body. His mind was completely overcome with the memory of that pain.

Voldemort looked down at him.

"Welcome to our world Draco. You belong to me now."

**********

Harry tried with all his might to block out the sound of Draco's screaming, but he couldn't. The sound pierced his soul, sending waves of nausea through him. From the position Draco had tied him in, he couldn't see what was happening, but he could imagine. He struggled against his bonds, but it was pointless, he couldn't move.

He heard Draco's screaming stop, turning to dry sobs, and then the sound of Voldemort's voice.

"Welcome to our world Draco. You belong to me now."

He wanted to scream _'NO! He's mine, you can't have him!'_ but knew that it was futile. It was too late. Draco was marked now and there was nothing he could do. He turned his head away from the circle, barely able to think. He'd failed him. Draco had sacrificed everything; everything but his life. Harry couldn't help but think that becoming a Death Eater; being bound forever to Voldemort, was almost the same thing as giving up his life. He turned his head back and was startled to find Voldemort looking down at him. Red eyes bored into his, sending spasms of terror through him. He was forcefully reminded of the day when Voldemort had first regained his body.

There was silence as the two enemies stared at one another.

"How are you feeling Harry?" Voldemort asked quietly. Harry turned his head away, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing him afraid.

"What? Not in a talkative mood? How's this then? _Crucio_!" Harry bit back a scream that held all of eternity in it, as pain that made his blood boil ripped through him. He writhed in anguish, straining against the ropes which held him, pain exploding from his scar.

"Finite incantatum." The pain stopped and Harry was once more staring into Voldemort's eyes, panting. He could feel sweat running down his face. "Ah, you remember that pain don't you Harry? It brings back so many memories. Did you enjoy our little ceremony? I now have another faithful follower, perhaps almost as devoted as his father is. I have heard that the two of you don't get along very well. No matter, he is above such petty squabbling now and you, well let's just say you have other things to think about right now." As Voldemort was speaking, Harry felt the anger begin to build. He could still hear Draco's sobbing in the background, the sound was grating on his nerves and all he wanted to do was strike out at Voldemort. He gave in to his rage, which boiled over and drowned any fear he had of the man.

"You evil bastard! You evil, murdering bastard!" He shouted. Voldemort's face froze.

"Murdering?" he said quietly, a dangerous lilt to his voice. "Oh yes, you must be thinking of poor Remus Lupin. The werewolf. He was your friend I think. Well I have to admit, that really wasn't my doing. I ordered it of course, but the honour of murdering him fell to Wormtail here." Harry turned his head and saw Pettigrew smiling smugly.

"What?" Harry whispered, taken aback at the mention of Lupin.

"Well the stupid mutt kept sticking his nose in. He was very irritating. So Wormtail asked to talk to him; promised he had changed. Played on the fool's emotions, and set up a meeting. Wormtail has a very useful silver hand; you remember the day I gave it to him? You _were _there. Such a shame that silver and werewolves don't really go together." Harry looked back at Pettigrew, stunned.

"You?" He said hoarsely. "_You_ killed him? He used to be your friend! Did that mean nothing?!" Wormtail continued to smile.

"Not really." he said. Harry's head was spinning. He opened his mouth to speak but found that there were no words to describe what he was thinking.

"Oh dear, does that bother you?" Voldemort mocked. Harry looked back at him, and his anger returned.

"You're disgusting. A wretched, stupid fool who can't see beyond his own prejudices! So your father was a muggle and didn't understand. So what?! Grow up for fuck's sake! You think you're the only one who had a difficult childhood? God you make me _sick_!"

"_Silence! Enough, you __stupid boy. __Crucio!" _

Pain. Burning, agonising pain.

**********

Voldemort lifted the spell, and Harry sagged, drained of all energy. He lay limply on the alter, unable to move. He closed his eyes and wished that the darkness that he found there would just swallow him whole. In that moment he lost all hope. How was he going to survive this? He had no magic; couldn't use his wand. His strength was gone and now Voldemort would kill him. He felt the despair overtake him and hoped that it would be quick. He couldn't do this anymore; there was nothing left for him to hold on to. What could he do when Voldemort's poison seemed to permeate everything?

He heard a sound from somewhere to his right and his eyes snapped open. A slow, hitching breath, inhaled through dry and cracked lips. _Draco. From where he was, Harry could see his pale blond hair, tangled and falling loose. _Draco_. That was why Harry was here. That was why Harry was still breathing. It was Draco that kept him alive; it was Draco that Harry was living for. He needed to help Draco. He couldn't give up now. It was then that Harry realised that no matter how many times Voldemort cast the Cruciatus curse on him, he would still be strong because his strength came from Draco and that was something which couldn't be taken away from him._

_Draco._

Harry felt the cords around him loosen and then fall away. Voldemort had released him.

"Stand up." He commanded. Harry tried to lift himself up, but slumped back when his hands slipped from underneath him. Peals of laughter filled the hall as the Death Eaters mocked his weakness. Voldemort stalked over to him and thin, strong fingers grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. Harry whimpered as pain shot once again through his scar.

"You will die like your parents Harry." Voldemort hissed. "It was so easy to dispose of them really; they were so weak, just like you are."

"The only reason I am weak, is because you removed my powers. It's so much easier to kill me when I'm defenceless isn't it?" Harry laughed, an empty sound which echoed through the hall. He was standing straight-backed now, facing down Voldemort; looking his own death in the eye. He wasn't afraid, just sad that Draco would have to be there to see it.

Voldemort frowned at the taunt and raised his wand, pointing it between Harry's eyes.

"Yes." He said "Much easier. Avada Kedavra."

**********

Draco lay unmoving on the floor, willing the pain to go away. Blood was seeping from his arm, pooling beside him. He stared at the puddle, mesmerised by the vivid colour of it. He could hear Voldemort talking to Harry; taunting him. He couldn't concentrate properly, but he heard Voldemort mention Harry's parents. He was vaguely aware of Harry standing, Voldemort had released him.

_Harry…no._

As if in slow motion, Draco saw Voldemort raise his wand to Harry who stood, defenceless but proud. Draco stared at Harry, who was staring down Voldemort, and he was afraid. In his mind's eye he saw the curse hit Harry, as it had hit the girl whose life he had taken. He saw the light in Harry's eyes fade as he died screaming Draco's name.

_Harry…no._

Harry was special; worth more than this sad ending. His life had a purpose, he wasn't meant to die here. Not like this. Draco couldn't tear his eyes away from Harry's face as he realised that his life had a purpose as well.

**********

Time slows and finally stops, and your face shines through; a mask of terror that belies the courage that is beneath. My love, you will be strong for me won't you?

This is the moment when I can make things right; when I can give back what I owe.

I was reborn in your arms, my love. What we did was forgiveness and trust, and above all love. Things I never knew I could feel. You made me cry and you made me love.

This is for you.

I love you.

_I was so tired of life when I died._

_Spent every day praying for an ending_

_That when it came it took me by surprise._

**********

Gathering what strength he had left, Draco moved quickly from his position on the floor, holding his bleeding arm to his body. He could see the words forming on Voldemort's lips and the terrified expression on Harry's face. 

As Voldemort finished the spell, he reached Harry, facing the man he loved. He looked into Harry's confused eyes a final time.

"I love you Harry. I'm so sorry. For everything." He raised his hand to Harry's cheek; a final touch. Pressed his lips against Harry's; a final kiss.

He saw the flash of green light, and heard the voice of his father, screaming his name. Harry stood, fear in his eyes.

"No! No I won't let you!"

"It's too late my love."

The spell hit his back and Harry watched the light in his lover's eyes go out. Draco's hand fell from his face and his lifeless form fell into Harry's arms, who crumpled under his weight and began to scream.

**********

The ultimate sacrifice.

I scream silently as I look into your lifeless eyes. Shards of light seem to burst forth, but I can't see. I didn't say goodbye. All sound is blocked out; all I can see is grey. Just like your eyes. It's dark in here without you.

I just found you and now I have to let you go. Your body is cooling and a shiver runs down my spine.

Such beauty, not lost in death.

Why did you do this?

I remember the feel of you inside me; the one and only time I'll ever feel complete now. I can still feel your hands on me; your breath on my skin, so hot it should blister. 

You're cold and alone now.

Swirling stars surround me, begging to be explored. I'll float away towards them, but they're meaningless now. Your lifeless eyes will not appreciate them. Your cold fingers cannot touch. 

I scream silently and the tears begin to flow. My love is dead.

It's dark in here without you, and I can hear my heart breaking as it dies.

I love you.

_I'd tear myself apart_

_If I thought it'd make a difference._

_I'd take off my skin_

_And hope that the blood would drown and comfort me._

**********

Harry looked up from the body of his fallen lover, tears streaming down his face.

"You bastard" he hissed. "Look what you've done to him! All he ever did was try to do the best he could! All he _ever_ did was love me." His voice failed him. He held Draco's body to him and started to rock back and forth. 

"Draco, wake up. Wake up! I love you. I love you. _I love you._" he whispered, knowing that it was futile but unwilling to accept it. Voldemort looked stunned.

"Well. That was interesting. Better to find out now though, I suppose." He turned to Lucius, who had stepped forth from the ranks of Death Eaters. He'd pulled his hood from his face and was staring at his dead son.

"You raised a traitor Lucius."

"No." Lucius whispered. "Draco. What did you do?" A single tear ran from his eyes. He looked at Harry. "What did you do to my son?" he shouted. Harry stared at him.

"Nothing. All I did was fall in love. He loved me." He whispered, looking back down at the dead boy in his arms. He ran a hand gently through impossibly soft, blond hair. Harry's head shot up again when he heard a laugh escape Voldemort's mouth.

"A Death Eater and the Boy Who Lived!" 

The taunt rang harshly in Harry's ears, he gently laid Draco back down and stood up. Rage burnt through his veins; he could hear the blood pumping in his ears.

"You bastard." he choked out again. Voldemort's face became serious, as he surveyed the boy before him who was shaking with anger.

"His sacrifice has been for nothing. Such a waste. Stupid boy." He raised his wand once more.

With a roar Harry lunged for Voldemort. He forgot about magic, he forgot that he was surrounded by Death Eaters, and he forgot that Voldemort was the most powerful wizard of the age. His hands found their way to Voldemort's throat, and he was blinded by the image of Draco's body.

The Death Eaters were closing in, wands raised against him, and Harry didn't care. His cries of rage turned to screams of pain as their spells hit him, over and over. He fell to the ground, curling into a ball. Tears streamed down his face and all he could see was death; the death of the only person he had ever loved. The stench of it fermented in the air, putting a bitter taste in his mouth; or was it his own blood? Blood; it always comes back to blood. In his dreams, in his life, on his hands. 

He refused to beg for mercy, and the pain carried on. A terrible pain which blistered his soul; torturing it as it shrivelled away to nothing.

A flash of green light was the last thing he saw. With the sound of Voldemort's high, cackling voice in the background, Harry Potter drew his final breath.

"Draco." he whispered.

**********

_On and on it goes, when it stops, nobody knows. With a touch, or a kiss, or a sigh, or a dream? Time crushes us all with circles. With a punch, and a cry, and a tear, and a scream…_

**********

_The wind pushes back the cyclists,_

_As they struggle, inch by inch._

_The leaves are whipped to attention_

_Controlled in organised chaos._

_Flower petals, made to drop delicately,_

_Are wrenched cruelly from their home;_

_Forced to serve the whims of madness._

_We struggle, in those first few years._

_Crying at the senselessness of the rules;_

_Confused by those we love._

_Then we gently give in; fading into oblivion._

_Try as we might, we cage ourselves in,_

_Bound by the freeness of the wind._

_It mocks us, cherishing our pain._

_And spreading it to others._

_There is no meaning to it,_

_No motive behind it,_

_We are all the victims of fate. _

Fin


	16. Epilogue

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters mentioned and I'm not making any money out of this. Only the plot is mine.**

**WARNING: This fan fic contains slash themes, which is male/male relationships. If homosexual themes bother you, don't read this. **

Rated: R

**Epilogue**

_Dear Ron and Hermione,_

_I've always been afraid that something would happen to me, and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye. Life seems to keep throwing me in the path of danger, and there are some things I need to tell you. The two of you have meant more to me than I could ever say. You were the first real friends I ever had that weren't afraid of what would happen to you because you liked me. You put your lives on the line for me more times than I can count and I love you both dearly for it_

_Now though, there is someone else in my life and his love for me has taught me many things. Before Hogwarts, my life existed of being told that I wasn't important; that nobody would care if I lived or died. Then I came here, and I was famous! Everybody wanted to know me; wanted a piece of me as though the fame would rub off. I was stared at, talked about, pointed out in the crowds. I was an enigma; a mystery that everybody wanted to figure out. I don't know whether being unseen or being constantly the centre of attention was worse. _

_Through all of that, there was only one person who ever captured my complete attention. _

_I love him so much it hurts; like staring at something so beautiful you think you might go blind. He's all I think about. Before I do anything, go anywhere, say anything, I think about him. Just the thought of him keeps me sane when I think I'm going mad. I feel more comfortable with him than I've ever felt with anyone else in my entire life. He makes me smile at odd moments; in the middle of lessons, on the Quidditch pitch; he's always with me. He's become my whole life; my obsession and my saviour. _

_I never really knew what love was until he showed me. I was so disillusioned. I thought nobody would ever be able to see past the Boy Who Lived and see me. The real me that is afraid and lonely and terrified of my future. I used to sit and wait for love to find me; was obsessed with it. I hung on to the belief that the thing I most desired was out there and would find me. The loneliness I felt was slowly crushing me, until I saw that the person who could fulfil me more than anyone else, was right in front of me. _

_He saw me; he knew me. We make each other complete. The most unlikely person made me happy; happier than I ever thought would be possible. It felt as though I'd been waiting for so long, and when it finally happened it was more than anything I could have imagined._

_I love you Draco._

_If you're reading this, I've died. I know because the charm I put on this letter means that it will be transported to one of you the moment I die. I'm sorry if this hurts you, I never meant to cause anyone any pain. All I ever wanted to do was live in peace, but it seems that it wasn't meant to be. I dreamt of a quiet life where nobody wanted to kill me; where I got to live a fulfilled and happy life with the man I love. But mainly, my dreams these days are filled with blood. My own. That's why I've written this letter. _

_I'm not afraid to die. I never even expected to live this long. Maybe I wasn't even supposed to survive that first attack of Voldemort's on me. My presence in this world after my first year of life always did seem a little wrong. I just want you to know that I died having experienced pure love. It's painful and difficult and half the time you feel like you're being torn in two. But being without it, once you've had it, would be torture._

_Don't forget me._

_Do not stand at my grave and weep; _

_I am not there. I do not sleep._

_I am a thousand winds that blow._

_I am the diamond glints on snow._

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain._

_I am the gentle autumn rain._

_When you awaken in the morning's hush_

_I am the swift uplifting rush_

_Of quiet birds in circled flight._

_I am the soft stars that shine at night._

_Do not stand at my grave and cry;_

_I am not there. I did not die._

_Love, Harry._

A/N: *sob* Well that's the end. I know you all begged me not to kill them, but it had to be done! Otherwise the title wouldn't have made any sense! Don't hate me! Tell me what you think of the ending. What am I gonna do now that I've finished this???


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